The Pope was shocked earlier today when he prepared to climb into the popemobile for a late afternoon cruise-only to discover that it had been towed! Apparently, he had left the 1998 Land Rover with the bulletproof glass in the back in a 2 hour parking space, and did not return for almost 2 hours and 45 minutes.
Pope spokesman Marco “Booger” Constantine was not pleased. “Come on, I could see towing the popemobile if he had blocked a driveway or something, but this is ridiculous. I mean the man relays messages from God to billions of people, and he can’t get a little leeway from the parking commission?”
“Absolutely not,” said Vatican City Parking Commission Chairman Michelangelo “Dusty” Ravioli. “To be honest with you, we’re a little sick of the Pope’s holier than-though-attitude when it comes to parking privileges. Did you know that he owes over $2,000 dollars in fines? Who does he think he is, Angel Ortiz?”
Constantine reported that the Pope would have no choice but to cruise Vatican City in his 1989 Ford Festiva L. “It’s not the best thing going, but it does get great gas mileage as well as FM radio. The front end has a little dent from where we had an incident at the post office a few years back, but other than that she’s in pretty decent shape.”
The Pope declined an offer from Ford to do a radio ad for the Festiva.
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In a surprise decision, the NCAA ceded to the demands of Johnny Goodtimes and rescheduled the St. Joe’s game on Thursday night. With the game scheduled for 7:30 p.m., officials were contacted by Goodtimes, who had a quizzo scheduled for 8 at the Good Dog. “It was one of those things where you make adjustments just to stay on the right side of a megastar like Goodtimes,” said NCAA president Myles Brand. “We piss him off, and the next thing you know, nobody’s watching this little tournament of ours.” The game was moved to 9:50 p.m., just when quizzo should be ending.
After the devastating losses of three consecutive NFC title games, Philadelphians can finally raise their heads up high again-We’re #1! We’re the ugliest people in America! Nobody, and I mean nobody, is any uglier than we are! Well, I mean you guys are. Johnny was voted by the same publication to be “sexiest quizzo host in america” (have you seen the new moustache?) We also tend to be extremely unfriendly. Well, just for that, the magazine who did this stupid survey can go f*** itself. And as far as most stylish goes, we finished near the bottom their, too. Well, I feel like I dropped the ball on that one. As Philly’s style ambassador, I feel like my winter collection was a little weak. I promise to step it up in the spring time. (P.S. The above photo captures the best of both worlds-the ugly, unfriendly jerks who kicked me out of a certain “historic” bar on New Years Day. Did you really think I was going to let that die? Did you?)
In 1932, Actress Peg Entwistle committed suicide by jumping off of what?