Gonna go grab some breakfast with the parents. Be back this afternoon with scores from the Kimmel Center Show (which by the way was awesome. Big ups to everybody who came out.) Also, I’ll have to tell you about seeing not one but two 1980s hip hop legends over the weekend. One of them was great, one was lame. Details this afternoon. In the meantime, here’s some great George Carlin quotes. One of my favorites is: The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
Scoreboard, Brought to You By Richard Simmons (This is the Funniest thing ever)
O’NEALS
- Testicular Fortitude 102
- Goodbye Bobbie 100
- Dorksided 97
- Young, Old and Restless 90
- L. Ron Hubbard’s Diabetics 89
BARDS
- Sofa Kingdom 107
- El Narcotizo 105
- Hurtin Bombs 102
- The Epidermitologist 81
- Cold Popeyes For Breakfast 77
LOCUST RENDEZVOUS
- But My Mom Says I’m Cool 97
- Meet the Cemetary 91
- Drunk Baby Brighton Early 89
- 1022 72
- Good bya Minaya 67
BLACK SHEEP
- The Axis of Evil Knieval 103
- Duane’s World 97
- Ass Destruction 89
- Penn Fifteen Club 85
- Ebony Ovines 66
GOOD DOG
- The Penn Fifteen Club 89
- Chelsea’s Kosher Kitchen 86
- Morningwood 71
- Rocket Scientists 70
- Pelvis Breastley 66
BARDS
- Hurtin Bombs 101
- The Excessively Hirsute 98
- Sofa Kingdom 95
- Jesse and the Rippers 95
- Western Omelette 84
Soccer Action! Get Excited!
Big match today between Germany and Portugal! SPOILER ALERT: Nothing will happen for a while and then several guys will fall on the ground holding their ankles and then nothing will happen for a long time and then hey look, boobs! (Pretty safe for work, unless you can’t look at girl in bikinis or body paint.)
UPDATE: Germany wins 3-2, which we’re pretty sure is the highest scoring game in the history of soccer.
Dirty Hipsters Get What’s Coming to Them
On our pantheon of people we don’t like, hipsters fall somewhere between New Jersey drivers and Boston Red Sox fans. So we were tickled pink when we saw that a few of them in Francisville got strong-armed by the police a few days ago. After a search of their shelled out home, the cops quickly concluded that they were more than mere hipsters, they were possible terrorists. “They’re a hate group,” (Police Captain Dennis Wilson) asserted. “We’re trying to drum up charges against them, but, unfortunately, we’ll probably have to let them go.”
Of course they are a hate group. They’re hipsters. They hate everything. They hate fun, they hate sports, they hate people, they hate laughter. They are the walking definition of a hate group.
My suggestion for the “Francisville Four”? Go back to listening to the Puffy Doorknobs or whatever random band you’re going to love for the next 15 minutes before you suddenly decide that they’ve sold out for playing in a venue that has electricity and then hate on them over the Champagne of Beers at Johnny Brenda’s. And shave that damn beard off. It’s summertime, fool.
RELATED: Our prediction? Philebrity hosts some sort of Belle and Sebastian dance party fund raiser for these clowns.
Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Tomatoes
Did my Metro column today on the tomato. The video above is taken from La Tomatina. Looks completely insane. Here is the link to the 1883 NY Times article I reference at the end. Pretty hilarious. And hey John Richie of Hempstead, if you’re reading this, trust me, I’ve been there. Looking for a tomato blog? Here ya go.
Giving Away Airline Tickets at Kimmel Center Quizzo!
Alright, here’s the deal on Saturday. If you are in town, you wanna go to this. Seriously, it’s gonna be fun. And yes, they will be serving alcohol. The Solstice Spectacular starts at 3 p.m., and rolls on all night long. I’ll tell you about the quizzo first, then discuss some of the other fun stuff going on.
WHO: You and me, fool. Plus there is a pianist between rounds.
WHAT: Summer Solstice quizzo. Yes, it will be a themed quizzo, with Summer as the obvious theme.
WHEN: Saturday night at 10 p.m.
WHERE: Kimmel Center. It’s that building on Broad Street with the big windows.
WHY: Why not? Also, I am in discussions with them about doing Quizzo Bowl V there, and it will definitely work in my favor if we get a good turnout for this.
PRIZES: Got 4 airline vouchers from American Airlines to give away, plus several tickets to upcoming Kimmel Center concerts and events.
TICKETS: Get ’em at the door. $10 pays not just for quizzo, but for all the stuff going on all day and all night. A few highlights:
- 3:15 p.m. GIVE AND TAKE JUGGLERS.
- 6:30 p.m. PHILLY POPS FESTIVAL BRASS.
- 8:30 p.m. BRAZILIAN FESTIVAL.
- 10 p.m. QUIZZO
- 12 p.m. DJ SPINDERELLA. Yes, that DJ Spinderella. Will Johnny be performing “Whatta Man” at this event? There is only one way to find out.
- 2 a.m. HYDROGEN JUKEBOX CIRCUS SIDESHOW: The Hydrogen Jukebox Circus Sideshow ensemble began as a small a rock band but has grown to incorporate dancers, poets, puppets, live painting, comedy, fire art and more. Did someone say puppets and fire? I’m in.
There a ton more stuff going on too. Click here to check out the full schedule.
Hilarious
It’s funny because it’s true. Basically the story of my trip to Mexico in 2004. Thanks to Elvira for sending this in. If you see something funny, drop me a line.
Please Take This Test
It’s a personality test based on the Myers-Briggs that will tell you what kind of personality you have. I am dying to see what it says about you guys. I am an ESFP. Please take the test (takes probably about 5-7 minutes) and then post your results below. Word.
Proud Day to be a Mets Fan
This from the New York Post: What a crowd, these bums are, all of them, from the Wilpons at the top to Omar Minaya down below, all of them who conspired to botch this firing worse than any firing has ever been botched. Ever. You wouldn’t trust these guys to run a 7-11, let alone a National League baseball team. What a joke. What a cowardly, dastardly joke. A midnight massacre. A 3 a.m. thrashing. Disgraceful. Utterly, completely, disgraceful…Is this the best the Mets can do? Is this really what they are about? Can they really consider themselves a professional operation when they do the simplest task in sports, firing the manager, this wretchedly?
A sad, sad day to have a hairy neck.
Last night
Swung by the Mojito Olympics at Rum Bar at 6 p.m. last night, where Trivia Art was a judge. I’m not gonna lie. I really had limited interest in watching people muddle mint, I just wanted a free Mojito. Hung there for about an hour, then headed over to the Khyber for the Dirtiest Sketch Competition. I’ll be honest, it was extremely disturbing. Beyond tasteless. (If you want to see the one that NOT SAFE FOR WORK! won, go here and scroll down. Please be warned, it is extremely disturbing and not at all safe for work. Seriously.)The sketches were pretty insane (my favorite was a bad 1950s B-Movie spoof, complete with terrible acting and a sex crazed robot), and it was also great to hang out with Philly legends Scott Johnston and the Legendary WID. The WID had a anti-theft device on his bike that was revolutionary. It consisted of 1) a rope and 2) that’s it, just a rope. His bike was not stolen. Had the Brooklyn Summer Ale, btw, which was delicious. And even got home at a reasonable hour.
