It was on this date in 1881 that Guiteau shot President James Garfield at a train station in Washington, D.C. So who was Charles Guiteau? Basically, Guitea was a psycho creep who loitered around the White House every day, assuming that if he persisted, newly elected president Garfield would make him ambassador to Paris. But Garfield decided that, for some reason, he would prefer not to have a crazed lunatic as a foreign emissary, so Guiteau was repeatedly denied in his quest. Fed up, Guiteau went and bought a revolver, and on July 2nd he shot the President as he prepared to board a train. Strangely, part of Garfield’s entourage at the time was none other than Robert Todd Lincoln.

The real tragedy of Garfield’s death, 11 weeks after the shooting, was that it was caused not by the bullet but by doctors. After the shooting, numerous doctors (including lead physician with the amazing name of Dr. Doctor Bliss. Yes, his parents had named him Doctor.) stuck their unsterilized fingers and instruments into his body in an attempt to find the bullet. Mistakingly believing that the bullet had lodged in the intestine, doctors ordered that Garfield eat almost nothing, further weakening the President and essentially starving him to death. Alexander Graham Bell devised a metal detector to find the bullet, but since Garfield was lying on a bed with a metal frame, the machine malfunctioned. (Incredibly, no one at the time could figure out why). Garfield was moved to the Jersey Shore on September 6th, and died in Long Branch, New Jersey on September 19th.

Guiteau’s trial was a circus, with him reciting poetry and songs in the courtroom, and taking out a personal ad in the New York Herald for a nice Christian lady under 30. He began making plans to run for president in 1884. His insanity defense was denied, though he was obviously out of his mind, and he was hung on June 30th, 1882, almost exactly a year after he had shot Garfield. The Philly connection: Part of Guiteau’s brain is currently on display at the Mutter Museum.
RELATED: Excellent 2006 article in the New York Times about the poor performance of Garfield’s doctors.

• Two years ago at this time, American was introduced to one of the bravest superheros of all time, as QuizzoMan fought off Wrong Answer at a wild superhero quizzo at the Franklin Institute. There is another quizzo scheduled at the Franklin on Saturday, July 26th. Details forthcoming.
• Three years ago, JGT checked out the action at Live 8, where a fight almost broke out during Toby Keith’s set.
• Four years ago, the infamous “crackhead steals Johnny’s laundry” situation developed. JGT never did see that laundry again.

My boss at the Painter (pop. 246) Experiment Station had tried to get me to quit for weeks. He had taken a fellow employee to a Crab Festival a few days earlier while leaving me to put thousands of beans in little styrofoam cups filled with dirt. But I was either too stubborn or too dumb to quit, so finally he had to fire me. I remember it vividly, him saying that there were going to be some changes and my help was no longer needed. I was bitter, because the year before I had worked at the same place for a different boss, and it had gone swell. In fact, if you ever come home with me, I can show you where I helped build a well, the only manly thing I’ve ever done in my life. One of the perks of the job had also been working with the delightfully eccentric and beautiful Robyn (below), as we would get together and hang out on Saturday nights, listening to Choppy’s Goodtime Oldies on WESR 103.9 FM. So needless to say, I was bummed about getting canned.

It was late June, and I still had another month and a half before school started back, so I needed to find a new job. Where I’m from, jobs for college students aren’t exactly plentiful, so my dad (who is a farmer) told me he could use some help selling produce in a parking lot. So I loaded up my dads old Ford pickup with cantaloupe, watermelon, and sweet corn, and headed down to R&C Seafood in Cheriton (pop. 499). And I stood in their parking lot for the next month, hollering, “Get your fresh cantaloupe!” to people coming out of the store. That was July of 1995, which you might remember as the month where hundreds of people in the US died because it was go unforgivably hot. Over 90 degrees for 28 straight days, if I remember correctly, and I was standing out on asphalt, raising watermelons into the air to motorists zooming by on Route 13. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Wow, Johnny, you’re like a superhero, risking your life to help humanity. Whereas Batman puts it all on the line to fight evil, you put it all on the line to provide people with sweet corn.” And it’s true. To add to the grumpy old man portion of the story, I was getting paid minimum wage and it was like $4.25 back then. So after an 8 hour day in the baking sun I was driving the pickup home with a cool $34 in my pocket (before taxes). But on Saturday nights I would head down the road to Robyn’s house and we’d hang out and listen to Choppy, in his slow Southern Twang, call out, “I hope y’aller ready fer a lil’ Motown, cause here comes Diana Ross and the Supreeeemes.” Life was good. But the job sucked.

P.S. I just started using my scanner, and since nothing interesting happens in summer, I’m probably just going to regale you with a lot more long, boring stories about the Good Ol’ Days. You’ve been warned.