Dmitri the Lover Speaking Tonight in Toronto

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A man named Dimitri the Lover teaches men how to use his tricks to seduce women, and he’s speaking tonight in Toronto. This is one of those random things I just kind of stumbled onto after Steve-O sent me this link, to Dmitri leaving messages for a girl in San Francsico. (WARNING: Women, if you listen to this message, you will be helpless against Dimitri’s irresistable charms. He finds you extremely elegant. He couldn’t take his eyes off you.) Anyhow, I did some more research and came across this, an invitation to a speech Dimitri is giving tonight in Toronto. A few highlights: So the theme of our next TORONTO REAL MEN meeting is “STUFF MY STOCKING WITH HO HO HO’s”. It will feature Dimitri The Lover lecturing for 3 solid hours on WHERE to find depressed holiday sluts and HOW to approach them in a cordial yet efficient manner. Dimitri The Lover will teach you how to DETECT bored, lonely, highly impressionable shoppers, CHARM them by employing an approach which takes advantage of their “holiday blues”, SEDUCE them through the utilization of proven techniques that he has developed over time, then sexually ENSLAVE them through the employment of magical religious thought protocols.

My magical religious thought protocols have been unemployed for a little too long. Ok, so then I stumbled onto his Toronto real men website. Apparently, you have to get certified through his class and you will become a great lover and he will give you business cards saying you are certified. According to his website, his Worship the C*ck workshop courses are only $2997. What a bargain! But if you just wanted to attend tonight’s meeting, it’s only $29, and if I had a ride to Toronto, I would so be there.

UPDATE: Uh-oh. Be careful around Dimitri. He’s had some run-ins with the law and sounds a little unstable.

Quizzo Tonight

Gonna be kind of light posting this week. Working on a project for Comcast which should be fun but is going to take a lot of work in the next few days, so somethings got to go. However, I am still posting on Totalphilly, so you can go over there if you want to read about the former Penn QB who might be coming to the Phils or about the 15 year old kid who wanted to shoot up his school in Pottstown. There will be quizzo tonight. O’Neals at 8 p.m. and Bards at 10. Hope to see ya tonight.

Bowlizzo a Striking Success

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The first ever Bowlizzo went exceedingly well, despite the fact that Sofa Kingdom (AKA Spiro Agnew Kids on the Block, as all team names had to deal with either bowling or Richard Nixon) emerged victorious with a 239. They were aided by not only their trivia skill but by Koob’s bowling, as he had the 2nd highest roll of the night. The Tricky Dick Pins finished 2nd with 228, and RIchard Nixon’s Putting Challenge finished 3rd with 225. The Putting Challenge had the highest bowling average of the night, a 125, aided in large part by one team member’s 212. The real story of the night was 4th place finishers I Am Not a Hook, who had the highest quizzo score with a 118, but the 3rd lowest bowling score, a 90. Bowling scores were done by averaging the scores of all six players on the team, and total scores were determined by adding that to their quizzo scores. The lowest bowling score was an 82 recorded by Tricky Dick and the Dickettes, and the lowest total was I Don’t Roll on Shabbos with 173. Full scores after the jump.

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Scoreboard, Brought to you by Camper van Beethoven

O’NEALS

  1. We Got Nothin’ 83
  2. Why is John’s Rum Gone 80
  3. Free shots at Applebees 79
  4. This is Not a Bus 76
  5. Young, Old, and Restless 71

BARDS

  1. Sofa Kingdom 105
  2. Re-Sign Pat 57
  3. Sloppy Seconds 54
  4. Dave’s Angels 50
  5. IDK, my BFF Jess? 48

LOCUST RENDEZVOUS

  1. The Jams 92
  2. But My Mom Says I’m Cool 84
  3. Accidental Gunshot Wounds 81
  4. Troll Toll 78
  5. Trust Us We Know 61

BLACK SHEEP

  1. That Team 98
  2. Sexual Chocolate 88
  3. Duane’s World 86
  4. Bollywood Dance Massacre 82
  5. Baron Munchausen 80

BARDS

  1. Hurtin Bombs 94
  2. Christina’s World 91
  3. Us and Them 91
  4. Extra Large Popcorn 86
  5. Dynamic Duo 81

Deets on the Richard M. Nixon Bowlizzo Spectacular

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WHERE: St. Monica’s Parish. 16th and Shunk. I can’t remember which end of Shunk it’s on, to be honest. But you’ll find it.

WHEN: Tonight (Saturday). 7:30 p.m.
AVAILABILITY: The lanes have sold out, assuming everyone is coming who says they are. But I do have availability for a couple of duos if anyone wants to join a team. If you do, please let me know ahead of time.
WHY: All the proceeds will go towards the Rec Center where I volunteer.
FOOD AND DRINKS: Yes, I’ll have a couple of kegs. If you think you need more to drink, feel free to bring it. As for food, we’ll be selling meatball sandwiches for like $3 a pop.
TRANSPORTATION: The Broad Street Line is like 3 blocks away. Get off on Oregon, go one block north and two blocks west.

What Evil Lurks Behind That Door?

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Something struck me as funny about this sign at the Municipal Court Building today (long boring story about taxes, I’ll tell you later). Anyways, I like the fact that apparently there has been a lot of persistent knocking on this door. Like, it’s kind of a big problem, big enough to make a sign about it. And whoever is doing the knocking just keeps on going, way longer than would be expected. And apparently, the person doing all that knocking should not come into contact with the civilian population. I’d feel like kind of a doofus if I went up to a municipal court employee and was like, “There’s some dude who won’t stop knocking on that door. I would let him in, but the sign says not to.” I’m wondering if it’s just the courts way of saving us from a landshark. Any other theories? Please post them below.