My Ship Just Came In

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Received the following e-mail this morning: Two years ago you entered the Kitchen Kettle Village “Best Rhubarb Dessert in Lancaster County” baking contest – you did not win, but you gave it a valiant effort. This year I would like to invite you to be a celebrity judge for the event. We are celebrating 25 years of rollicking rhubarb fun. I would love to have a fun person like you as one of the judges. Please let me know if it works in your schedule! It is kind of ridiculous how excited I am about this.

RELATED: Johnny’s Near Monumental Upset Rattles Intercourse Pie Baking Community. (If you haven’t read this already, please do. I really think it’s one of my funniest stories.)

New Roots Track…


…is absolutely and completely off the chain (though NSFW, thanks to Peedi Crak saying “F*** the Internet” We couldn’t agree more.) I love Dice Raw (I used to go to his open mic at Five Spot) and have always wished he rapped more for these guys. Black Thought is so damn serious all the time he needs a hype man, and that’s Dice. New album drops April 29th. Can’t wait.

RELATED: The Roots on Myspace.

Scoreboard, Brought to You by AI

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O’NEALS

  1. Dow Is Up 420 Points, Stoners Rejoice 105
  2. Young, Old, and Restless 95
  3. Dork Sided 86
  4. Bear Grylls Good, Bear Stearns Bad 75
  5. B-Sharps 72

BARDS

  1. Lamda Lamda Lamda 114
  2. Sofa Kingdom 93
  3. Narcotyzing Dysfunktion 90
  4. Western Omelette 84
  5. Hulk Smash Quizzo 73

LOCUST RENDEZVOUS

  1. Phil is Sick (aka the Jams) 99
  2. 2008: A Death Odyssey 90
  3. Is Quizzo Bowl a Registered Trademark 82
  4. No Name Team 81
  5. This is Not a Bus 65

BLACK SHEEP

  1. Hey, Remember LA Law? 94
  2. Duane’s World 84
  3. CatDog 78
  4. Dirty Sanchez 73
  5. Yes You Can’t 72

GOOD DOG

  1. Loose Seal 100
  2. Odd men Out 84
  3. Liquidity Crisis 72
  4. Shomer Shabbas
  5. Fort Awesome 66

BARDS

  1. Western Omelette 118
  2. Hurtin Bombs 113
  3. Gladys the Groovy Mule 99
  4. I Gave Up Sex For Lent 87
  5. Sofa Kingdom 83

Strange But True

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So I’m gonna be emceeing a basketball game that John Dougherty is gonna playing in tomorrow. It’s a fund raiser at the gym where I coach. If you wanna see Johnny Doc’s hoops skills, be at the Marian Anderson Rec Center (17th and Catherine) at 11 a.m. tomorrow. Oh, and if you wanna see my b-ball acumen (or lack thereof), be there at 3 p.m., when the other coaches and I play against the 16 year olds.

RELATED: In a somewhat pathetic move, Johnny tries to show off his glory days by linking to the JGT vs. AI in high school story for the second time in a week.

This is Why Duke Sucks (NSFW)


Damnit, damnit, damnit! Belmont played right with Duke the whole night last night, and then at the end, instead of playing to win, they played not to lose. They deserved the loss. Aaaargh! Man, it would have been a great upset. I know that the tournament committee hates a good upset. That’s why they only gave 6 at large bids to mid-majors this year, as opposed to 12 just a few years ago, then matched up all the midmajors against each other in the first round so their wouldn’t be any major upsets. But their efforts were almost in vain, because Belmont played so well. Damn, damn, damn. I’m still mad about the end of that game. The good news is that Duke is just not that good, and they’ll be going down soon enough.