FLESH TUXEDO EDGES HURTIN KINGDOM AT PACKED KIMMEL CENTER

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It was a thriller at the Kimmel Center on Saturday night, as a packed house of I’d say (roughly) 150 people played to determine who would win the first ever Summer Solstice Spectacular. In the end, we had a shocker, as the Flesh Tuxedo edged the Hurtin Kingdom (a mashup of the Sofas and the Bombs), 104-103. It all came down to the final question. “What legendary water ice shop will you find on 7th and Christian?” The Kingdom answered Jack’s (wrong), the Tuxedo answered John’s (right), and that was the difference in the contest. I’ll try to post some questions a little later, and will also talk a little more about the other acts as well. Click “Continue reading” below to see all of the final scores.

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Scoreboard, Brought to You By Richard Simmons (This is the Funniest thing ever)


O’NEALS

  1. Testicular Fortitude 102
  2. Goodbye Bobbie 100
  3. Dorksided 97
  4. Young, Old and Restless 90
  5. L. Ron Hubbard’s Diabetics 89

BARDS

  1. Sofa Kingdom 107
  2. El Narcotizo 105
  3. Hurtin Bombs 102
  4. The Epidermitologist 81
  5. Cold Popeyes For Breakfast 77

LOCUST RENDEZVOUS

  1. But My Mom Says I’m Cool 97
  2. Meet the Cemetary 91
  3. Drunk Baby Brighton Early 89
  4. 1022 72
  5. Good bya Minaya 67

BLACK SHEEP

  1. The Axis of Evil Knieval 103
  2. Duane’s World 97
  3. Ass Destruction 89
  4. Penn Fifteen Club 85
  5. Ebony Ovines 66

GOOD DOG

  1. The Penn Fifteen Club 89
  2. Chelsea’s Kosher Kitchen 86
  3. Morningwood 71
  4. Rocket Scientists 70
  5. Pelvis Breastley 66

BARDS

  1. Hurtin Bombs 101
  2. The Excessively Hirsute 98
  3. Sofa Kingdom 95
  4. Jesse and the Rippers 95
  5. Western Omelette 84

Soccer Action! Get Excited!

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Big match today between Germany and Portugal! SPOILER ALERT: Nothing will happen for a while and then several guys will fall on the ground holding their ankles and then nothing will happen for a long time and then hey look, boobs! (Pretty safe for work, unless you can’t look at girl in bikinis or body paint.)
UPDATE: Germany wins 3-2, which we’re pretty sure is the highest scoring game in the history of soccer.

Dirty Hipsters Get What’s Coming to Them

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On our pantheon of people we don’t like, hipsters fall somewhere between New Jersey drivers and Boston Red Sox fans. So we were tickled pink when we saw that a few of them in Francisville got strong-armed by the police a few days ago. After a search of their shelled out home, the cops quickly concluded that they were more than mere hipsters, they were possible terrorists. “They’re a hate group,” (Police Captain Dennis Wilson) asserted. “We’re trying to drum up charges against them, but, unfortunately, we’ll probably have to let them go.”

Of course they are a hate group. They’re hipsters. They hate everything. They hate fun, they hate sports, they hate people, they hate laughter. They are the walking definition of a hate group.

My suggestion for the “Francisville Four”? Go back to listening to the Puffy Doorknobs or whatever random band you’re going to love for the next 15 minutes before you suddenly decide that they’ve sold out for playing in a venue that has electricity and then hate on them over the Champagne of Beers at Johnny Brenda’s. And shave that damn beard off. It’s summertime, fool.

RELATED: Our prediction? Philebrity hosts some sort of Belle and Sebastian dance party fund raiser for these clowns.

Giving Away Airline Tickets at Kimmel Center Quizzo!

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Alright, here’s the deal on Saturday. If you are in town, you wanna go to this. Seriously, it’s gonna be fun. And yes, they will be serving alcohol. The Solstice Spectacular starts at 3 p.m., and rolls on all night long. I’ll tell you about the quizzo first, then discuss some of the other fun stuff going on.

WHO: You and me, fool. Plus there is a pianist between rounds.

WHAT: Summer Solstice quizzo. Yes, it will be a themed quizzo, with Summer as the obvious theme.

WHEN: Saturday night at 10 p.m.

WHERE: Kimmel Center. It’s that building on Broad Street with the big windows.

WHY: Why not? Also, I am in discussions with them about doing Quizzo Bowl V there, and it will definitely work in my favor if we get a good turnout for this.

PRIZES: Got 4 airline vouchers from American Airlines to give away, plus several tickets to upcoming Kimmel Center concerts and events.

TICKETS: Get ’em at the door. $10 pays not just for quizzo, but for all the stuff going on all day and all night. A few highlights:

  • 3:15 p.m. GIVE AND TAKE JUGGLERS.
  • 6:30 p.m. PHILLY POPS FESTIVAL BRASS.
  • 8:30 p.m. BRAZILIAN FESTIVAL.
  • 10 p.m. QUIZZO
  • 12 p.m. DJ SPINDERELLA. Yes, that DJ Spinderella. Will Johnny be performing “Whatta Man” at this event? There is only one way to find out.
  • 2 a.m. HYDROGEN JUKEBOX CIRCUS SIDESHOW: The Hydrogen Jukebox Circus Sideshow ensemble began as a small a rock band but has grown to incorporate dancers, poets, puppets, live painting, comedy, fire art and more. Did someone say puppets and fire? I’m in.

There a ton more stuff going on too. Click here to check out the full schedule.