5 Quick Questions With Libertarian City Council Candidate NA Poe

poeWith all of you going to the polls tomorrow (because you are going to the polls tomorrow right? You’re not one of those lame-ass non-voters who whine about how crappy City Hall is and then does nothing about it, are you? Because those people are THE WORST), I thought I’d chat with one of the more interesting dark horse candidates in this election. NA Poe is a marijuana activist and comedian who has decided to run for city council as a libertarian. He first gained attention when his peaceful marijuana protest at Independence Hall was met with heavy-handed resistance from federal officers. Here he talks about marijuana, holding the PPA accountable, and whether or not he’s taking this election seriously.

JGT: WHY IN THE HELL ARE YOU RUNNING FOR CITY COUNCIL?
POE: I’m running because I’m pissed off and fed up. I think everyone is. I am also running for City Council so that the people of Philadelphia have one of their own in the halls of power. I’m just a dude that has had it with the system. All the crony politics, back door dealings and self serving government. We’ve been abandoned.  The schools are closing and our city government is building a fuckin ice skating rink outside City Hall. They are out of touch. It’s time for a change. I vow to represent all Philadelphians and their concerns.  Also, I need a full time job and it seems like an easy gig that pays well.
JGT: YOU HAVE VOWED TO ABOLISH THE PPA. IS THAT SOMETHING THAT IS ACTUALLY POSSIBLE, OR IS THAT JUST A PIE-IN-THE-SKY CAMPAIGN PROMISE?
POE: The line “Abolish the PPA” is really for effect, in that I cannot personally vote for that as a councilman. Although it would be great, wouldn’t it? We need an income generator to fund schools. The PPA is an income generator to fund the PPA salaries and pay for vehicles, buildings, and equipment,  and is then sent off to the Commonwealth for pet projects of the Governor’s friends, and trickles back to the general fund with scraps going to schools after the machine has its fill. Council just raised parking rates a dollar, yet this year they will give $ 4 million dollars less than last year to the schools. So no matter what, I will speak out, lobby, fundraise, and campaign to end the predatory relationship between Philly’s parking enforcers and Philadelphians. We definitely need the Parking Authority’s money for schools, I would also accept them immediately agreeing to provide it. In all seriousness though, fuck the PPA. They’re assholes that prey on all of us.
JGT: YOU ARE PROBABLY BEST KNOWN FOR YOUR PRO-MARIJUANA ACTIVISM. TELL US WHY YOU ARE SO PASSIONATE ABOUT THIS TOPIC. 
POE: Marijuana has always helped me creatively and I’ve always seen it as a great alternative to booze. When I first smoked weed my mind and consciousness was opened up in so many ways. I never dreamed I would end of fighting for it or become some kind of d-list folk hero because of it.  At Occupy Philly I met some amazing marijuana activists  and started Smoke Down Prohibition which really propelled the fight to legalize in PA. Pot is a great gateway to activism. It’s fun, it’s logical and a great way to comedically approach change. I’ve also met so many folks that need weed as a medicine and was inspired to fight for them. The times are changing and people need to realize that weed can fuel an economy for chrissakes. Look at what’s happening in Colorado. I can’t smoke weed because of probation and  I miss it so much. Weed has become my long lost lover . I sit alone in the dark, listening to our favorite reggae songs, waiting for her to come back to me.
JGT: HOW MUCH OF THIS CAMPAIGN IS PERFORMANCE ART, AND HOW MUCH OF THIS IS BORN OF ACTUAL CONCERN FOR THE FUTURE OF OUR CITY?
POE: I’m flattered that you would think this is performance art, because I’ve been busting my ass on this campaign, but I’m no fuckin Andy Kaufman. Am I a comedian? Yes. I’m also an  accomplished activist and a concerned citizen that has been affected by the War on Drugs and the people in power. This is a natural evolution of my career and work. I’ve organized outside the system for years. This is an experiment to see if social media, video production and internet promotion can get someone elected. I’ve used none of the traditional routes as far as campaigning.
I’m very serious about this campaign. now lets see if Philadelphia is serious about change. I’ve lived here my whole life and I think its time that our generation has a voice. Am I the best person to do that? Who knows. At the very least, I’m the only guy in this election that would be a breath of fresh air.
JGT: IF ELECTED, WHAT WILL BE YOUR FIRST ACT AS COUNCILMAN? 
POE: I would buy a bunch of purple suits, hire a staff composed of the best activists in Philadelphia and spend the next year and a half driving the scumbags that run this city insane. I would immediately propose a bill to make all the cops wear cameras and I would immediately focus on marijuana decriminalization. They would probably try to assassinate me within the first six months.

Final JGTSpI Scores!

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Well here they are, the final scores to the JGTSpI. Invitations are about to go out.  Teams in orange are in line for a bonus prize, teams in yellow made the cut, and teams in green are on the bubble (typically a few teams either can’t play or consolidate, so your chances of making the cut are pretty decent.)

Of course, there is one last chance to get an invite…win this week and get a wild card invite. Your best chances? North Star, Sidecar, and Industry.

The event will go down at the Field House this Sunday at 5:30 p.m.

Winners This Week

NORTH STAR

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First Place: Popesack 110

2nd Place: Inkspot 101

3rd Place: Always Finish 4th 94

SIDECAR

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First Place: In the Lead 108

2nd Place: Settlers of Chris Kattan 100

3rd Place: Sidecardigans 93

O’NEALS

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First Place: New and Improved Team Name 107

2nd Place: Savage Ear 102

3rd Place: Encyclopedophiles 95

CITY TAP HOUSE

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First Place: Underground Bard 122

2nd Place: Jesters of Tortuga 112

3rd Place: Party of Five 86

LOCUST RENDEZVOUS

First Place: My So Called Manimal 125

2nd Place: Frank Trapani Casualty Lawyer 117

3rd Place: Synchronized Trampoline 116

BLACK SHEEP

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First Place: Blazing Sea Nuggets 112

2nd Place: Duane’s World 109

3rd Place: Jitney Spears 97

INDUSTRY

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First Place: Exhausted Nihilists 109

2nd Place: Surly Rabbits 91

T-2nd Place: Boo-urns 91

BARDS

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FIrst Place: Stevie Wonder Ray Charles Staring Contest 103

2nd Place: Fractaculars 89

3rd Place: Hail Hydra 84

Adam Smith and the -$6 Quizzo

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This is completely a work of fiction, though it is based on some real ass events. I tried to handle this professionally, but my e-mail to the establishment in question received no reply. All names and locations have been changed to protect the innocent. 

It was a dark and stormy night. The rain was coming down in sheets, as Our Hero made his way through the darkened streets to his destination, the Black Ewe. Upon arrival, he was hit with a grim reality…the lights had gone out thanks to some wack ass thunderstorm. There would be no quizzo on this night.

At least, that’s what your typical quizmaster would have said. But Our Hero, Ronnie Woodlimes, was no ordinary quizmaster. He was a man of steely resolve (as well as boyish good looks and devilish charm), and he was going to host a quiz on this night, dammit all to hell.

But where? The local hockey team, the Philadelphia Pliers, were playing in a Game 7, so most bars were going to be packed, with or without quizzo. Suddenly, like the lightning lighting up the night sky, it hit him.

Le Coffee Bar!” Ronnie had walked by this bar (despite its name, it served booze, not coffee) on many occasions, seeing as how he also hosted a trivia event next door, at a place called The Irish Writer, and there was never anyone in it. He was sure it would be empty tonight.

He ran through the freezing rain, with little more to protect him than a 25 year old sportcoat he had purchased from a thrift store for a remarkably reasonable price. Finally, he arrived at Le Coffee Bar. He walked inside, where there were about 10 people, and a manager and a bartender at the end of the bar. Woodlimes approached them.

“I have a strange request, but I normally host quizzo at the Black Ewe. Tonight the lights went out, but I still have some people that want to play. Would you guys want them here?”

The manager eyed him warily. There had been a rash of counterfeit quizzos in town, and she didn’t want to get taken by some fast talking charlatan.

“What’s the deal?” she asked.

“Well, I should have like 20-25 people, so like $100?”

She thought about it for a few moments. The restaurant was, as usual, close to empty. After several seconds passed, she nodded her head and spoke, “Ok.”

Game on. However, only 15 people were able to make it through what had now turned into a monsoon. 15 others had tried to make it, but were swept away to their untimely demise by the flood waters.

And so, Ronnie had brought in 15 people through a monsoon to a nearly empty bar (one that was owned by the same people who owned The Scottish Pub next door.) Five more people, sitting at the bar, decided to join in. But due to the tragic deaths on account of the rainwaters, it wasn’t as many people as he hoped. And so, after the first two rounds, he approached the manager.

“Listen, it wasn’t as many people as I hoped, so just toss me $80.”

At which point she responded, “No.” She paused, then spoke slowly. “I thought you were paying us. We’ve had a couple of quizzos here before, and we’ve never paid people to host them.”

What? This woman had, in one fell swoop, destroyed the very tenets of capitalism.

One particularly radical view in Wealth of Nations was that wealth lay not in gold but in the productive capacity of all people, each seeking to benefit from his or her own labors…Adam Smith believed that the true wealth of a nation came from the labor of all people and that the flow of goods and services constituted the ultimate aim and end of economic life.

Our hero, in the midst of his labors as he heard these words, was taken aback. Had he misunderstood the very concept of capitalism? Had he been doing it wrong? Should he have been paying these bars all these years to let him ask his questions?

Flustered, Ronnie had a decision to make. Should he continue the quiz, or should he storm out into the rain? He looked at his hard, calloused hands, made tough as sandpaper by years of typing out trivia questions and holding microphones. They were the hands of a laborer, a cog in the mighty industrial system to which he belonged.

“I have to work,” he thought. “It’s all I know.”

And so Our Hero, knowing that he was not going to be paid for it, still trudged on, like a salt miner in Ancient Rome. And like a salt miner, dehydration was a major concern, so our hero ordered himself a beer (Our Hero was perhaps unaware that alcohol exacerbates dehydration).

The quiz went on, the manager disappeared, and a team named Dwight’s World won the quiz. Our Hero began to pack up his belongings. But alas, there was some unfinished business. The bartender came over to bring him his tab. He owed $6 on the beer. He had just brought Le Coffee Bar a couple hundred bucks in business in a monsoon and he was going to make -$6 for it (actually -$7, since Our Hero still left a tip. What a kind and caring man!) Dejected, he got ready to leave. Then suddenly someone at the bar spoke up.

“Hey, what’s that man in the knee socks, knickers, and a powdered wig doing out there in the rain?”

I turned around, and saw a sight that shook me to the core.

“Why that’s…that’s the ghost of Adam Smith!”

Someone at the bar yelled out, “And he’s got a battle axe!”

Quickly we scattered. Some people jumped out the window, others ran next door into the Scottish Pub, and several of us dove underneath a table. Adam Smith’s ghost entered the bar, a sneer of disgust on his ghostly face. He swung the battle axe, smashing bottles of liquor.

“I’m not as laissez faire as you people thought, am I?” he screamed at no-one in particular,  then resumed his chopping of the bar.

He turned all the taps on, letting about $80 worth of beer pour into the floor. He walked over to the cash register, and split it in half with his battle axe. Change spilled out across the floor. He reached into the drawer, pulled out $6 and walked over to Ronnie, shaking like a leaf beneath a nearby table. He handed Woodlimes the $6, gave him a knowing wink, and then walked back out the door.

Our Hero was a bit upset, because it would have made more sense if he had given him the full $80, but he wasn’t going to argue with a ghost with a battle axe. (Which is a pretty good rule of thumb, if you ever find yourself in that situation.) Justice had been served, and everyone had learned a valuable lesson about capitalism: when you screw people over, Adam Smith’s ghost will smash up your shit. Or, at the very least, the person you screw over will write up some completely inane nonsense. Either way, you lose. 

Also, I’d expect a question or two about Adam Smith next week at quizzo.

Cheaters Quiz This Friday Happy Hour!

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Gonna do something funky this Friday…gonna do a fundraiser for the Regional Housing Legal Services, a non-profit that works to preserve and increase the availability of affordable shelter for Pennsylvania’s very low-income populations. We’re gonna do it at Field House (1150 Filbert), so some of you teams planning to play in the invitational the next weekend could get the lay of the land. There will be happy hour food and drink specials.

Action starts at 6 p.m. and it’s a $5 entry. And it comes with a twist…I am going to allow teams to cheat (And no, the quiz is not going to be questions on the show Cheaters). Well, sort of. You can pay to cheat…there will be a price for using your phone for 30 seconds, a price for me giving you a hint, and a price for me giving you multiple choice answers. I did this at a fundraiser a few years ago, and it was A LOT of fun. Totally different than any quiz I’ve ever hosted, it really evens the playing field, and the money raised goes to a great cause.

Also, the winner will earn an automatic invite to the Invitational. Gonna be a really fun activity for Friday Happy Hour. I hope some of you guys can make it out.

Scores From Last Week’s Quiz

NORTH STAR

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First Place: Inkspot 100

2nd Place: Clark Griswold 83

3rd Place: Always Finish 4th 79

SIDECAR

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First Place: Tempura House 103

2nd Place: In the Lead 86

3rd Place: Sidecardigans 80

O’NEALS

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First Place: Encyclopedophiles 113

2nd Place: Alias Pseudonym Undercover 103

3rd Place: Savage Ear 81

CITY TAP HOUSE

First Place: Jesters of Tortuga 123

2nd Place: Underground Bard 100

3rd Place; COme Below Deck 66

LOCUST RENDEZVOUS

First Place: The Jams 116

2nd Place: #1 Government Team Competitor 113

3rd Place: The Hawk is Dead 111

MYSTERY BAR (Black Sheep cancelled because electricity went out)

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First Place: Duane’s World 111

2nd Place: Grumpy Cat #1 79

3rd Place: Go Blue Baby! 69

INDUSTRY

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First Place: The Missing Heads 98

2nd Place: Why Can’t Us 89

3rd Place: Clown Question Bro 86

THE BARDS

First Place: Jesters of Tortuga 117

2nd Place: Ruby Tuesday 116

3rd Place: Putin on the Ritz 112

The “Father of Robotics” Al-Jazari: Quite Possibly the Coolest Dude You’ve Never Heard of

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This week at quizzo, we had a round on founding fathers, and almost no-one knew that Al-Jazari was the father of robotics (no judgement here. I wouldn’t have known it either. The people who didn’t know Jerry Lee Lewis’s music, on the other hand…). Well, Al-Jazari was a fascinating dude, one well worth further study.

He was a Muslim who lived in what is now south-eastern Turkey in the 12th century and early 13th. He was an engineer who invented tons of awesome stuff, including the modern crankshaft, the combination lock, the automatic gate, and a highly advanced water supply system that supplied fresh water to the hospitals and mosques of Damascus.

But it was his friggin’ robots that make him so incredible. He made a drink-serving waitress, who could serve water or tea. The water would drip into a cup for 7 1/2 minutes, then a door would open, the robot would come out of the door, full drink in hand, and serve it to you like Rosie from the Jetsons. He also created the original Chuck E. Cheese band (almost 800 years before the father of video games Nolan Bushnell founded Chuck E Cheese!) From history-computer.com:

Al-Jazari described also a musical automaton (see the image below), which was a boat with four automatic musicians, that floated on a lake to entertain guests at royal drinking parties. The mechanism featured a programmable drum machine with pegs (cams), that bump into little levers that operated the percussion. The drummer could be made to play different rhythms and different drum patterns if the pegs were moved around. The automata were a robot band, which performed more than fifty facial and body actions during each musical selection.

Al-Jazari2Hard to believe there could be anything cooler than that, but the elephant clock certainly gives it a run for it’s money. This short video will tell you all about it. Well worth a watch (get it? Clock? Watch? Nevermind.). The first thing I thought of when I saw it was that breakfast contraption in Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure. And let’s face it, any dude that brings to mind Jetsons, Chuck E. Cheese, and Pee Wee Herman must be pretty daggone cool. Here’s his wiki page if you wanna learn more.

RELATED: Leonardo da Vinci: Scatterbrained Procrastinator

JGTSpI Scores

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Here are your scores after 7 weeks. Time is of the essence, and there are several teams on the bubble who need to get their act right. I am also offering a bonus prize drawing to teams that finish in the Top 10 at the Invitational, so those teams are now colored orange. Teams in Yellow would still earn an invite, and teams in blue need to step their games up. Your best odds to get a win? They are tonight, at North Star at 7 and Sidecar at 9:30.