Hey, I got a couple of things in this week’s Philadelphia Weekly. First of all, I am on page 26 right next to Charlie Manuel which I am for some reason extremely amused by. I was asked what my favorite movie was. I think you people know what I answered. Then, I was on a pub crawl Saturday with the lovely Ginger (aka Suzanne) and Trivia Art when we bumped into Brook, a writer for the Weekly. She did a short write up about the evening. As for the, “So who likes hummers?” line, I think was actually talking about Jerseyites and their affinity for those obnoxious vehicles, not making a desperate pitch to nearby gay men. I did say that McGillan’s Old Ale House had the whitest jukebox in Philly, but I then added, “It’s even whiter than Ten Stone’s,” which is a real insult, since I have long held Ten Stone’s jukebox to be the Holy Grail of crappy jukeboxes. As far as the “The opportunity is the beauty of being an American” line, Trivia Art seems to remember that I was trying to make a point about transvestites.

My own personal favorite line of the night was when we walked into Ludwigs, and there was a band that was playing the slowest, sappiest music ever. As we turned on our heels and walked out, I said, “Did somebody get their card? I want them to play my funeral.” Finally, one last aside. When we went to the wine bar, we decided to order a certain type of wine simply because it’s description read that it had “hints of ham”. I took one sip, and exclaimed, “Mmmmmmm, it’s just like a sandwich in a glass!” All in all, a damn fun night.

It was 43 years ago today that perhaps the most controversial event in US history took place, the assassination of JFK. A few months ago, I was lucky enough to visit the Book Depository Museum, and while it was a great museum, the adventure really got started when I got outside and a strange conspiracy buff named Sherman offered to tell me the real story behind what happened that day. It’s a pretty good interview of a pretty wacky guyso check it out if you have a minute. I think you’ll enjoy it.
RELATED: Crime library has the details on the assassination.

-Editor at Phillyburbs.com defends Michael Richards racist tirade, saying that maybe the blacks in the crowd deserved it, and that the media is at fault. In other news, Phillyburbs.com hires idiots to be their editors.

-Somebody named Tralfaz sent me this absolutely hilarious clip of Richard Simmons on Whose Line Is It Anyway. This is great. Every time I see Richard Simmons on TV, I think to myself, “Why am I not watching this guy every day?” Give this a talk show gig already! Damn!

-If you are going to make Nazi gingerbread men, don’t put them in a hardware store window. For future reference.

-This from the Daily News: Kensington/Northeast-reared comedian John Kensil’s been busy shooting television shows in Los Angeles, where he’s been living for about a year. Kensil recently did bits in “How I Met Your Mother,” “The New Adventures of Old Christine” and “King of Queens.”

He’ll also play a judge in the upcomingWill Ferrell movie “Blades of Glory,” due out in March. Kensil’s back in town, performing with fellow local comic Kevin Brennan at Helium (2031 Sansom) tonight through Saturday. For showtimes and tickets, check out HeliumComedy.com.

John is a buddy of mine (yeah, I’m name dropping. F-you, it’s my website) and a very funny man. I highly encourage you to check him out this week if you get a chance.

There are only a few places I am sure to take family and friends when they come to town. They are, in no particular order: Jim’s Steaks, the Italian Market, and Bob and Barbara’s. And while B and B’s is a great bar in its own right, there was something more than the smoky ambience and PBR specials that I wanted to be sure my family experienced in the limited time we had together in the city. That was the sounds, energy, and feeling brought to the room by the house band, Nate Wiley and the Crowd Pleasers.

Nate claimed in an excellent City Paper article in 1998 that he “didn’t play jazz, he played liquor drinking music”. Whatever the genre, Nate was as smooth as they come, and when I decided to hold my first big event in Philadelphia, Quizzo Bowl I, there was only one band I even considered as my musical accompaniment.

Not that Nate was easy to work with. He grumbled about showing up for a sound check, about parking, about how late the show was. And then he took the stage and, let’s face it, saved Quizzo Bowl One. I had no idea what I was doing, and the event ran much longer than it should have. But the crowd perservered, and since most teams were eliminated after two rounds, I am convinced that that had more to do with Nate Wiley and the guys than it did with quizzo questions.

Before Quizzo Bowl Two, I asked the poll question, “Do you want to see Nate Wiley and the Crowd Pleasers again this year?”, and the results were overwhelming. Over 90% of the people who responded said yes. They were not disappointed, as Nate and the Pleasers seemed to somehow take it up a notch from Quizzo Bowl One. And when, at the end of the that show, I asked the crowd to give a warm hand to the band, there erupted the most thunderous applause I have ever heard from a crowd of that size. I get chicken skin thinking about that moment, as the applause seemed to not only maintain but somehow grow as it continued, 300 people wanting to show their appreciation for what was simply a spectacular musical experience. And though I am sad to hear of his death, I selfishly feel lucky to have existed at a time and place where I was granted the opportunity to hear a true Philadelphia legend at his best. I am even more grateful that I was able to share many of those experiences with my family. Rest in Peace, Nate Wiley. You will be truly missed.

The best oh yes I guess suggest the rest should fess
Don’t mess or test your highness
Unless you just address with best finesse
And bless the paragraph I manifest
Rap prime minister, some say sinister
Non-stopping the groove, until when it’s the
Climax, and I max, relax and chill
Have a break from a take of me acting ill
Brain cells are lit, ideas start to hit
Next the formation of words that fit
At the table I sit, making it legit
And when my pen hits the paper, ahh s***!
I stop and stand strong over MCs
And devour with the power of Hercules
Or Samson, but I go further the length
Cause you could scalp my cameo and I’ll still have strength

Critics of Johnny Goodtimes were armed with fresh ammo on Thursday, as JGT hosted a corporate party for Merck in Blue Bell. “First, he’s writing for Traffic.com, now he’s hosting parties for giant pharmaceuticals,” said longtime critic Spanky Twizzler. “Anyone who thinks that JGT is just some happy-go-lucky bar jockey who is doing this for the love of the sport is just deluding themselves. He is simply a commodity, selling out every chance he gets to special interests.” When broached for comment, Johnny simply said, “You’ll have to take this up with my publicist.”

Meanwhile, Seven X’s and a Y (above) emerged victorious at the event, defeating teams with such colorful names as “Table 6”, “Table 5”, and “Table 9”. The Superheroes finished 2nd. The event was a lot of fun, then Johnny got lost trying to get back to the city. Fortunately, having previously dated someone in the suburbs paid off, as I recognized where I was at one point and was able to figure out my way back.

-Mike Tyson is set to become a male prostitute. His boss? Heidi Fleiss. I am not kidding.

-A woman from Charlotte came up to West Chester in the hopes of stalking Bam Margera, and disappeared. Like whoa, this is weird.

–Is Tom and Katie’s baby, um, special?

–Unquestionably the hottest new word of the week is gyroball. Is it pronounced like year-o or Jie-ro? Does it even exist? Will simply attempting it rip your arms out of their sockets? Nobody knows!

-Week in Review coming soon.

In what could be termed a mild upset, the quizzo at Roosevelt’s was named cheesiest quizzo. Goodtimes, who has made a career out of being cheesy, was a little disappointed, and even more so when Gervase was named cheesiest celeb. But he did get a bit of vindication when his former employers, the CIty Tavern, got named cheesiest dining experience. City Tavern. Philadelphia’s version of Medieval Times, but without any of the fun (or the drumsticks). You think it’s no fun to eat there? Try dressing up in colonial garb and carrying a “Martha Washington turkey pot pie” to table 9. I don’t know of a single server who came out of that experience without a severe dependance on alcohol.
RELATED: Philly Weekly tells us what’s cheesy.

Mary Kate and Ashley are completely and totally out of their f****** minds. Just look at those eyes. Attention retailers: do not sell these poor girls black Nikes and purple armbands the next time a comet comes close. I’m just sayin’.

There is nothing less heartening than seeing some smoking hot girl who should be dating a sweet-hearted, handsome, intelligent soul like yourself walking arond with some K-Fed jerk-off wannabe with beaucoup de hair gel who hangs out at Bleu Martini, and who uses phrases like “beaucoup de” to say “a lot of”. And designer sunglasses. Nothing says, “I like girls who wear Abercrombie and Fitch” like a pair of designer glasses. Am I right, fellas? I’m right. Well, finally, there is a website dedicated to this phenomenon, hotchickswithdouchebags.com. This is a great website.