Still looking for a photog, but if worse comes to worse, I might just have to ask a stranger. Been working on posters all morning. Crafts are harder than I remembered. Anyways, I’ll keep ya updates, and humiliating photos will hopefully be up by this afternoon. If not, then certainly tomorrow morning.

A bet’s a bet, so tomorrow, I will make my trek to Pat’s and Geno’s to be photographed in the woman’s bathing suit. Thanks Phillies. It will have to be during the day, so anyone who is free and wants to be the official photographer for this occasion should contact me. In return for your services, I will buy you a cheesesteak.

A couple of other things coming up that aren’t remarkably humiliating: A new quizzo on MyFoxPhilly coming in the next day or two, as well as a new rant from the Donspiracist. Also, have a contest we’ll be kicking off manana. Be sure to check back.

I’m going international, homies. That’s right, I’m headed to Toronto this Friday. Why? To compete in the Rock Paper Scissors World Championship. As most of you know, I am both hated and feared in the local RPS community, having won the City League Championship in 2006 and finishing in the Final Four in 2007. I am quite confident I will win on Saturday, and have already spent the $7,000 awarded to the victor.

Remember when you were at the Kimmel Center and you were watching the orchestra and you were like, “The flute player is alright, but he’d be better if he could beatbox.”? Then this jam is for you.

-“The Genius Factory” caused quite a furor when it came out a couple of years ago, and I’ve just started reading it. So far, it’s great, and I thought you guys might wanna learn a little bit about the Nobel Prize Sperm Bank. Here’s an article in the Guardian about the resulting children by the guy that wrote the book.

-Congratulations South Korean men! Apparently, your penises have been growing in leaps and bounds! In an article about condom firms, a chief of one of the big firms (ahem) in South Korea stated, “The size of South Korean condoms now meets international standards, helped by an increase in the size of men’s penises here.” My question is, who’s doing all the measuring?

-Redefining rock bottom, Britney’s VMA performance will soon no longer be her most embarrassing video. Her home was burglarized recently: The burglars are believed to have made off with Britney’s collection of raunchy homemade sex tapes as well as a selection of the singer’s steamiest photographs. Some of the uniforms Britney allegedly wears for kinky sex games were also taken. Article here. A lot of people think I’m celibate because nobody wants to hook up with me, but that’s simply not true. I just don’t want to make a bunch of raunchy sex tapes and steamy photos only to have them fall into the wrong hands.

-In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, filmthreats.com is honoring the 50 greatest breasts in cinematic history.

The most absolutely appalling holiday in America is today, as we celebrate one of the most evil men to ever walk the planet. Columbus Day is an embarrasment. From American Heritage:
Columbus led an expedition against the defenseless Indians that was incredibly savage in its slaughter of the naked islanders and destruction of their villages. The heavily armed Europeans were accompanied by ferocious greyhounds each of which, Las Casas wrote, “in an hour … could tear 100 Indians to pieces because all the people of this island had the custom of going … nude from head to foot.” Many people were taken alive, and five hundred were sent as slaves to be sold in Castile…Today the Arawak community of peoples, those “innocents” of Father Las Casas, who once inhabited in such numbers the larger islands of the Caribbean and who welcomed the white men to the New World, has vanished from the West Indies.

When Columbus first arrived in the West Indies, he wrote to the Queen: “So tractable, so peaceable, are these people, that I swear to your Majesties there is not in the world a better nation. They love their neighbors as themselves, and their discourse is ever sweet and gentle, and accompanied with a smile; and though it is true that they are naked, yet their manners are decorous and praiseworthy.” Within months, he was cutting off their hands if they couldn’t find him gold and killing their babies and cooking them on spits to teach these people a lesson about respect. And yet, five years ago, George W. Bush issued a presidential proclamation celebrating “Columbus’ Bold Expedition and pioneering achievements”, a presidential order to celebrate genocide, greed, and evil. Of course, with the legalization of 15th century torture techniques and “shock and awe” to teach respect as two of his administration’s legacies, maybe that shouldn’t be so surprising.
RELATED: Here’s a pretty good comparison of Columbus to Heinrich Himmler.

Yep, I accidentally used the word ‘benevolent’ when referring to Hitler when that was not what I meant. (Read column here). Fortunately, a very friendly lady pointed out my mistake in a “Letter to the Editor” and in doing so, only called me “stupid” like three or four times. Apparently, despite her excellent vocabulary, the only words she knows for unintelligent are “stupid” and “dumb”. It’s probably because all of the people she hangs out with are sheer, mistake-free geniuses so that she never has to use words that mean “unintelligent”.

And it wasn’t my fault. I had initially written “tyrannical dictator”, but Charlie Manuel replaced “tyrannical” with “benevolent” in the fourth inning!

This is beyond belief. This guy named John Wood lost his leg in a plane crash, but decided to hold onto it. He kept it in the freezer a while, but then decided to put it in his grill in storage. Well, when he fell behind in his payments, the grill was sold. The guy who bought the grill, Shannon Whisnant, is no dummy. He realized that a human leg inside a grill is his key to fame and fortune, so now he won’t give the leg back. Shannon gave the leg to a local funeral home, but is still charging people to look inside the grill where the leg used to be! He is charging adults three dollars and children one dollar. What a deal for the kids! Shannon understands that the children are the future, show them grills and let them lead the way. Show ’em where there used to be a leg inside. Give them a sense of pride!
UPDATE: John got the leg back! Hooray for justice!

As every woman I’ve ever hit on knows, I was a dolphin trainer in Hawaii for 3 years. While living in Hawaii, I was good friends with another trainer named Justin from Denver. And when the Broncos went to the Super Bowl against the Falcons in ’99, he needed someone to bet against. Well, we were pretty sauced by kickoff, so I told him that if he gave me the points I would bet him. The deal: loser had to write the winning teams name in the black lava with coral rocks…while wearing a woman’s bathing suit. Needless to say, I lost (above).

Well Justin and I have remained friends through the years, and when the matchup of Rockies-Phillies came up, I got a phone call. The deal breaks down thusly: If the Phillies win, he has to stand on the side of the road and write “Phillies #1” in coral rock while wearing a woman’s bathing suit. If the Rockies win, I have to hold up a sign in front of Pat’s and Geno’s that read’s “Rockies Rule” while wearing a woman’s bathing suit. In other words, if the Phillies lose this series, I’m going to get my ass kicked in front of Pat’s and Geno’s. Today’s game is a must win.

Today in Dan Gross’s column he talks about a couple of people I’ve never heard of breaking off their engagement. Ok, sure, but then there is this: The pair had dated several years and were engaged in March on the Wachovia Center court during a Sixers/Celtics game when Bell was to interview the winner of a mascot race and the winning mascot pulled off his helmet and proposed to her. Awesome! Fair warning to any female who thinks she has a chance to marry me: If I ever ask you to go on a trip to Milwaukee, then we go to a baseball game, then I excuse myself, and then you see a giant chorizo running towards you with a rose and tiny black box in his hand, prepare to say “yes”. Or, even better, “no”. Because there is nothing funnier than a heartbroken chorizo.