Just thought I’d make you guys aware of this. Looks pretty kool. -John Goodtimes
Once Upon A Nation is Philadelphia’s brand-new annual summer-long celebration where engaging stories of Benjamin Franklin, Betsy Ross, James Forten, and dozens of known and unknown characters will make Philadelphia’s rich history come alive. Stories filled with human drama, love, anguish, conflict, humor, and joy will engage all age groups. These stories will combine with evening events and heritage tours to create a fun and memorable experience. History will never be the same.

Enjoy one or both of the following free performances over Memorial Day Weekend:

Storytelling by George Washington
Date: Saturday, May 28
Time: 7:00p.m.
Place: Free Quaker Meeting House on Fifth and Arch Streets

Storytelling by Edgar Allen Poe
Date: Monday, May 30
Time: 7:00p.m.
Place: Free Quaker Meeting House on Fifth and Arch Streets

RSVP to phillyfriends@gophila.com by 4:00p.m. Friday May 27, 2005.

Got a question for Don Rumsfeld? Anything at all? Well, then, just go ahead and ask him, and he will answer your question! Ask him whether he’s the best Secretary of Defense ever, or whether or not he likes kittens. He takes all questions, as do Dick Cheney and Paul Wolfowitz.

Glenn Macnow of WIP recently tried to find the best burger in the Philly area. His number one place, though, was in Trenton. WTF? Monk’s and Standard Tap both made the top 10. But I think I know who has a better burger than Monk’s or the Tap. Snow White, on 19th and Chestnut, has a kick ass burger (with cheese and onions) that seems even better than it really is because every time I go in there it’s a completely surreal experience. The staff is all asian, except for one black guy they call “Chef”. They all heckle and tease each other and the regulars, and there is always at least one person in there who is at least mildly insane. The last time I was there this old man walked in and hollered, “Give me a cup of coffee, mama.” He then turned around and saw that a lady was looking at him. “Stare all you want, baby. I may be 87, but I know I’m still beautiful.” You just don’t get that at Monk’s. Besides, their buns are too damn big. Here’s the story on the world’s largest burger (15 pounds.)

This is just simply incredible. I told the Doc’s crowd last night that I would have it online, and here it is. Information on how you can participate in the 2005 masturbate-a-thon.

All four of the remaining contestants in the “Be the Next Johnny Goodtimes Contest” will be performing tonight at Doc Watson’s, and you will help decide who the next two are to get cut. Show begins at eight.

What is claipping?

I woke up Saturday morning with a terrible hangover. I don’t normally drink tequila, but it had flowed like the river the night before. So at 10:15 I staggered out of bed and into the shower, ready for the days adventure to begin. All I knew is that me and my buddy Ken were headed for a place called Intercourse, and that there were going to be a bunch of Amish at the end of this particular rainbow. But this was one of those trips where I wasn’t going to do any research. I was just gonna head out there and see what happened.

Continue reading “Johnny Likes Intercourse” →

Brian of The JGT All-Stars (See O’Neals story. He’s the guy in back with the beard) is a Star Wars fanatic, so when I found out that he was going to be seeing the 12:01 screening of Star Wars III, I asked him to write a review. Here are his thoughts.

For the first 336 days of 1977, I was five years old. It was during this time that I fell in love?..and I fell hard. Now for all of you who don?t believe at love at first sight, I assure you that you are wrong. For my first love is actually still with me to this day, as beautiful as ever. And after all this time, she still possesses the ability to put a smile on my face despite my mood and lift me out to a galaxy far, far away. I refer, of course, to Star Wars (or ?Star Wars, Episode IV: A New Hope? as it has come to be known). And now, on the morning of May 19, 2005 I hate to say I am heartbroken. Not by the film, Star Wars, Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (which I saw at 12:01 this morning and it totally f@&^ing rocked), but by the fellow fans who felt the same as I did that fateful day in ?77 when they too were seduced by the ways of the Force. Allow me to explain.

Continue reading “My First Love” →

Happy 16th birthday to Sarah, who played on Tuesday (with her dad, and no, she wasn’t boozing) at O’Neals. Ah, I remember my 16th birthday, when my parents said I couldn’t have my license yet because I wasn’t responsible enough. If you think that was embarrassing, ha-ha, well you are wrong.

Here’s some more ribbons. The first one comes to us courtesy of MC Kool Aid Sweet. The second one comes from Mike La Mare. The third one comes from Willie Washburn.