Thursday was a big day for Mr. Goodtimes, as he visited the Mayan ruins of Tulum and Coba. But headlines were made before he departed, as he announced at an impromptu press conference in his hotel room (attended by no one) that he was giving up on Mexican women. While Johnny refused to announce any reasons behind this decision, most believed it was a decision made out of sheer frustration, as it seemed that most Mexican cuties weren’t real interested in a gringo with a wealth of useless trivia knowledge. While Johnny did concede that he hadn’t been having a lot of luck with the Mexican ladies, he refused to blame himself, instead pointing the finger at a number of other factors, including the language barrier, Hernan Cortes, and Vicente Fox. At the ruins, he climbed to the top of a 12 story pyramid at Coba, and in a sheer display of savagery, threw a family of four off the top.

After overdosing on tequila on Sunday, Johnny was rescued by a sea lion, who gave him life saving CPR. The sea lion, named Daisy, saw the prone Goodtimes on the side of the street in Mexico, and immediately rushed to his aid. Critics were skeptical. “Come on,” said Juan Carlos Tortilla. “We all know that Goodtimes has had absolutely no success hooking up with Mexican girls since he got here. So when he saw this sea lion walking down the street, he realized it was probably his best chance of getting a kiss while on vacation.” Johnny responded, “That’s entirely probably not true.”

In other news: Two days until showtime. There is a big cruise coming here on Wednesday and there’s going to be a packed house. So they want to have the new sea lion show done by then. That means I will need to have written the script and the trainers will have to have memorized their lines in 8 days. I really don’t know if it is possible, but I guess we’re going to try. Also, these 2 for 1 marguarita deals rule.