Each contestant was required to write down why they deserve to be the next Johnny Goodtimes.
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* I?ve never given my laundry to a crackhead.
* I need a reason to wear Hawaiian shirts.
* I won?t bail on quizzo to talk to the animals.
* I hate Jane Eyre.
* I will not use my position as quizzo master to hit on impressionable young women who play quizzo, like a certain local quizmaster who shall remain nameless.
* In a former life I went by the name Trivia Art and was responsible for daily trivia questions on a web site that was named by Yahoo! as one of the 50 Most Incredibly Useful Sites on the Internet.
* I do a mean Pope J.P. Deuce impersonation.
* I have a solution to the homeless problem.
* I have not been convicted of a Federal crime, yet.
* I promise to start within a half an hour of the scheduled start time.
* I have nothing better to do.
Second up is the team of Jess Maybe and Katie Sometimes. These beautiful ladies were in action last night at O’Neals and the Bards. They actually got a letter of recommendation from a distant cousin of Johnny, Bert Mediocretimes.
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I am writing to you on behalf of Jess Maybe and Katie Sometimes. These women are of high moral stature, absolute dependability and impeccable intelligence. Their dogged love of quizzo has formed them into the fine young women they are today. Having known them, I would highly recommend them to any quizzo capacity they choose to pursue. These qualifications make them exceptional candidates for this position.
Sincerely,
Bert Mediocretimes
Let’s hope that “high moral stature” statement doesn’t cost them!
The third contestants are a pair of brothers, Bethesda and the lovely Elizabeth. They wrote a paragraph explaining why they should be the next JGT. Thus far they did a great job entertaining the O’Neals with strange fruit and then did a horrible job running off copies for the Bards crowd.
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To be accepted into the Goodtimes family and to actually become Johnny incarnate would not only be an honor, but would set into motion those events which put myself (Brother Bethesda) and the Beautiful Brother Elizabeth at the forefront of the race for world domination. We hope to raise an army whose strength is trivia and who could be cajoled into fighting for $25 gift certificates. In addition to sustaining and nourishing the current fan base, we hope to strengthen, expand, and finally enable this veritable sisyphus to transform into a juggernaut. And when Johnny returns, his business will have turned into an empire, and he will be grand ruler of the entire Planet.
Next up is Doug the Professor. He had a list of six reasons he deserved to be the next Johnny Goodtimes, and will be seen tonight.
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1. I choose not to wax my goatee.
2. I’ll keep saying, “Can you Doug it?” as my catchphrase.
3. No pirate jokes.
4. I’ll give everybody my password to bangbus.com.
5. I know that Tiger hands is the best hand in Paper Rock Scissors.
6. I have a lot of free time.
Finally, we have the Grand Inquizzator, who was in action last night.
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One could easily view my entire tenure on this planet as naught but a quest to
accumulate marginally useful information and force people to listen to me.
These drives, coupled in a normal person, would’ve already produced a
formidable quizmaster in a city like Philadelphia – gripped, as it is, by a
quizzo pandemic. But there is a third drive within me which is equally
insatiable and fundamentally at odds with the first two; the drive to make it
to the grave having accomplished absolutely nothing. On rare occasions, when
my near-total lack of ambition is somehow circumvented by sheer dumb luck, I
manage to do one or two of the 80,000 things I’ve said I would do. This is, or
could be, one of those things. Once I get started, I rule. It’s just that the
initiative is often lacking. So, in summation, for me not to get this gig
would suck a whole bunch of dog c*** onaccounta I’m 34 and will be dead soon
and I’m destined to start a quizzo empire in Portland (or somewhere) and if
I miss this crucial step I may never do anything and so I might as well just lay
down and die. In fact, I may as well just come right out and say it -I have a gun to my head and I’m gonna pull the trigger if I don’t win. There, you happy?