The Great Bagel Meltdown of ’12

The following is all fiction and not based on any people, places or events. Even the dog is just a figment of my imagination.

One Spring morning, a couple walks their dog past The Montreal Bagel Hut, a new bagel place that has opened in their neighborhood.

HUSBAND: Hey look honey, Montreal style bagels.

WIFE: What does that mean?

HUSBAND: I don’t know. I guess they make them like they make them in Montreal.

WIFE: No shit, honey. But how do they make them in Montreal?

HUSBAND: No idea. Maybe we should find out.

Wife looks at menu in the window.

WIFE: Wow, these bagels are kind of expensive.

HUSBAND: Of course they are, dear. They’re made Montreal style. Hey look, a wood oven! They make them in there! No wonder they’re so expensive.

Husband takes out a ten spot and hands it to wife. He takes an outdoor table with the dog.

HUSBAND: Can you get me a coffee too?

Wife goes inside to grab a coffee and order a couple of bagels. Husband takes a seat outside, getting excited about trying a new style of bagel. Wife returns to the table with the coffees in hand.

HUSBAND: I’ve never been to Montreal, but my ex went to college there.

WIFE: I know. You’ve told me that 100 times. Do you remember where I went to college?

HUSBAND: Missouri?

WIFE: No, San Diego State.

HUSBAND: Well, I knew it was one of those schools that got upset in the first round of the tournament. Did you know that Montreal’s underground city is based on blueprints made by Da Vinci?

WIFE: Yes, you told me that already. Like 100 times. Whenever Montreal comes up, you have two things to offer. One that your ex went to school there and two that it’s underground city was based on DaVinci drawings. You should probably learn some new Montreal facts.

HUSBAND: Their football team is called the Alouettes. I do know that. Vince Ferragamo used to be their quarterback.

WIFE: Nobody cares.

Server comes out with two baskets with bagels in them and places them on the table. Both bagels are topped with cream cheese.

WIFE: I got one sesame and one everything.

HUSBAND: Good call. Oh boy, here we go. Our first Montreal style bagel.

Husband takes a bite. His brow furrows. A frown crosses his face.

HUSBAND: Why is this bagel raw?

WIFE: Raw? What are you talking about?

HUSBAND: This is a raw bagel. They didn’t toast it. Did you say you wanted it untoasted?

WIFE: No, they didn’t ask if I wanted it toasted. I assumed they were going to toast it.

HUSBAND: Of course you did. They have a GIANT F***ING WOOD OVEN IN THERE. Perfect for toasting things!

WIFE: Keep your voice down.

HUSBAND: No, I will not keep my voice down! Who eats raw bagels? Crazy people and birds. That’s it!

WIFE: I think crazy people call them “raw”.

HUSBAND: When I go to a pizza place with a wood oven, do I need to tell them that I want the pizza heated up in their oven? No, because they assume I’m not crazy. These bagel people assume I’m either crazy or a giant pigeon.

Couple at next table turns around to look at husband, whose voice is a little too loud. To compensate, he leans forward and whispers his next line.

HUSBAND: How much did these Montreal style bagels cost us?

WIFE: $3 each.

Whisper voice gets louder.

HUSBAND: $3 each? $3 each? For a piece of cold bread, served Montreal style? Oh I’m gonna Yelp the shit out of these jerks.

WIFE: Honey, I should have said toasted. It’s not their fault.

Husband is by now incredulous. His eyes open wide. His voice rises. Not quite a yell, but certainly noticed by nearby tables and passers by.

HUSBAND: Not their fault? NOT THEIR FAULT? Not their fault that they own a giant god damn oven with a fire inside of it and they assume we want a cold bagel? How is that not their fault?

WIFE: The giant stove is to cook them the first time. Then they take them out and if say you want them toasted, I bet they put them in a toaster, not back in the oven.

HUSBAND: Oh, well look who’s an expert on Montreal style bagels all of a sudden.

WIFE: Can we just go home?

HUSBAND: Yes, but not before I feed the rest of this bagel to some pigeons right in front of their window, so they can see me do it.

WIFE: You’re insane.  We’re out of here.

Wife stands up to leave. Husband stands up in a huff. As they walk away, he stares angrily at busy employees inside shop, who don’t return his stare.

HUSBAND: Let’s go to Dunkin Donuts. I know they put their doughnuts in the oven. I’ve seen it on the commercials.