An Open Letter From Chip Chantry Regarding His Domination of Us

As I write this letter, I am gazing upon the current standings of Johnny Goodtimes’s March Madness Bracket-Tacular. It did not take very long for me to find my name, as it is ON TOP OF THE LIST. That’s right- my bracket (BINGO SUPERNUEVA, named after the Spanish cousin of the world’s greatest comedian) is tied for FIRST PLACE.

Now, I understand that this is not the end of the tournament. I am aware that the standings change as new games are played. And I know that this glory may fade. However, at this very moment, I AM WINNING.

Why am I pointing this out? Am I that boastful? Do I take competition that seriously? Do I pride myself as one of the sharpest sports minds in the city of Philadelphia? NO! Quite the contrary! I know nothing about college basketball! I don’t think I have ever watched a complete game. I mean, I saw Hoosiers when I was ten, and that’s about the extent of it. And that’s about high school basketball! At least I think it is! I don’t know!

So the purpose of this letter is not to tell you how smart or well-versed I am in college basketball. Because I’m obviously not! This letter is to point out how awful and pathetic all of you must be to be losing to me. And quite frankly, I’m an idiot! It took me three minutes to fill out the bracket. And the only reason it took so long was because I was eating a PB&J, and I dripped some jam on my keyboard and had to clean it.

Here’s how little I know about this subject. I picked Syracuse to win it all… SYRACUSE! And that was after that one guy got kicked off the team for stealing another team’s goat mascot, or whatever he did. Actually, I think that was Greg Brady that did that. I don’t even know what happened! AND I’M IN FIRST PLACE!!!

Why did I pick Syracuse? Because I heard some people babbling about it on twitter. So I figured, “Oh, they must be good!” I didn’t even bother to read the content of the tweets! 140 characters was too much for me to read about a topic I care so little about! (By the way, follow me on twitter at @ChipChantry .)

Why did I pick Kansas to go to the Elite 8 (that’s what it’s called, right?)? Because my friend, Ken Carfagno, wore a Kansas jersey all the time in 7th grade. That was in 1990. That’s how up on college basketball I am. Are you starting to realize how terrible your brackets are? Is it sinking in yet? You are losing to an imbecile!

Let’s put this in perspective. Let’s say a local club is having a drag queen night. And there is a prize for the best act. And former Senator Rick Santorum enters the contest, shows up in a sweater vest and slacks, and reads some of his favorite bible verses. And then he wins the contest. Can you imagine how terrible those drag queens must have been to lose out to that maniac? Of course you could imagine! Because YOU are those drag queens, and I AM RICK SANTORUM!

OK, I’d like to retract the part where I compare myself to Rick Santorum. But I think you get the gist of it: I know nothing about NCAA basketball, which means you know even less.

You should all be ashamed of yourselves. All 90+ of you. What a group of pathetic, incompetent losers.

Oh, and one more thing: LONG LIVE STEAK EM UP!!! I can relate to that team. Because just like me, they are winners.

See you all in heck.

Chip Chantry

Famous comedian, current leader of JGT’s Bracket-Tacular.

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