Critics of Johnny Goodtimes were armed with fresh ammo on Thursday, as JGT hosted a corporate party for Merck in Blue Bell. “First, he’s writing for Traffic.com, now he’s hosting parties for giant pharmaceuticals,” said longtime critic Spanky Twizzler. “Anyone who thinks that JGT is just some happy-go-lucky bar jockey who is doing this for the love of the sport is just deluding themselves. He is simply a commodity, selling out every chance he gets to special interests.” When broached for comment, Johnny simply said, “You’ll have to take this up with my publicist.”

Meanwhile, Seven X’s and a Y (above) emerged victorious at the event, defeating teams with such colorful names as “Table 6”, “Table 5”, and “Table 9”. The Superheroes finished 2nd. The event was a lot of fun, then Johnny got lost trying to get back to the city. Fortunately, having previously dated someone in the suburbs paid off, as I recognized where I was at one point and was able to figure out my way back.

-Mike Tyson is set to become a male prostitute. His boss? Heidi Fleiss. I am not kidding.

-A woman from Charlotte came up to West Chester in the hopes of stalking Bam Margera, and disappeared. Like whoa, this is weird.

–Is Tom and Katie’s baby, um, special?

–Unquestionably the hottest new word of the week is gyroball. Is it pronounced like year-o or Jie-ro? Does it even exist? Will simply attempting it rip your arms out of their sockets? Nobody knows!

-Week in Review coming soon.

In what could be termed a mild upset, the quizzo at Roosevelt’s was named cheesiest quizzo. Goodtimes, who has made a career out of being cheesy, was a little disappointed, and even more so when Gervase was named cheesiest celeb. But he did get a bit of vindication when his former employers, the CIty Tavern, got named cheesiest dining experience. City Tavern. Philadelphia’s version of Medieval Times, but without any of the fun (or the drumsticks). You think it’s no fun to eat there? Try dressing up in colonial garb and carrying a “Martha Washington turkey pot pie” to table 9. I don’t know of a single server who came out of that experience without a severe dependance on alcohol.
RELATED: Philly Weekly tells us what’s cheesy.

Mary Kate and Ashley are completely and totally out of their f****** minds. Just look at those eyes. Attention retailers: do not sell these poor girls black Nikes and purple armbands the next time a comet comes close. I’m just sayin’.

There is nothing less heartening than seeing some smoking hot girl who should be dating a sweet-hearted, handsome, intelligent soul like yourself walking arond with some K-Fed jerk-off wannabe with beaucoup de hair gel who hangs out at Bleu Martini, and who uses phrases like “beaucoup de” to say “a lot of”. And designer sunglasses. Nothing says, “I like girls who wear Abercrombie and Fitch” like a pair of designer glasses. Am I right, fellas? I’m right. Well, finally, there is a website dedicated to this phenomenon, hotchickswithdouchebags.com. This is a great website.

If you ever decide to jump over the St. Lawrence River in a car, I highly suggest you do so in a 1970s Lincoln Continental. Apparently, those things fly like birds. Thanks, Duff, for sending this in. If you see something funny or amazaing on the net for me to post, just send it to me.

Now, as you all know, JGT is down with YouTube legend Average Homeboy. Therefore, I want you to vote for Blazin Hazen on YouTube, so that he can appear on Good Morning America.

Happy Birthday to former Supreme Court Justice Felix Frankfurter, who is best known for having the name Felix Frankfurter. Are you kidding me? What a kickass name! Thanks, Felix Frankfurter, and happy 124th birthday. We have another very special birthday today, as Judge Wapner turns 87! Sadly, the Ol’ Dirty Bastard would turn 38 today if he were still alive. Here is a hilarious story of a nerdy white guy who used to get calls intended for ODB, since they both had the name Russell Jones.
Jones began to notice a pattern in the calls. There would be a few weeks of calm, and then the phone would start ringing five or six times a night. When this happened, Jones would say to his wife, “I think the O.D.B. did something.”