The Rock paper Scissors Spectacular

As many of you know, I was fortunate enough to host the 1st Annual Rock Paper Scissors Keystone Classic on Saturday night. If I had to describe the event in one word, that word would be…intense. There was an intensity brought by the stars of the sport, such as the Midnight Rider. The complete drunks who yelled throughout the contest brought a certain intensity. The bachelorette party, complete with the bride-to-be showing her t*** on stage, brought a certain level of intensity, as did the fans who came to see the heavy metal band that took the stage following the tourney. Yep, it was one of those nights that is magical, as much for the reason that no-one got killed as anything else.

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The magic began, I must say, with my rousing rap about Rock Paper Scissors that started the show. As the crowd looked on in stunned silence (come on, white people), I rocked the mic with lines such as:
What’s the reason to even try to use the rock
I just laugh at your ass then the paper will drop

Then the action began. The refs (including JGT legend Moose) were a talented bunch of dedicated professionals (above), and let it be known early that they were in charge. There were over 100 people participating, despite a torrential downpour. My opening match was a media circus. Not because I was participating, but because the Midnight Rider was my opponent. A horde of media seemed to follow the man everywhere he went. The Rider, who had won a recent event in Brooklyn, thoroughly kicked my ass. The picture of him (below) with retired legend Master Roshambollah seems a little off to me. I don’t recall the Rider having any hair. Then again, PBR’s were only $2, so there’s a lot I don’t remember.
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So I went out early, but the competition continued. The Rider was upset in the round of 16, and the Final Four was devoid of dramatic characters (no surgical masks, no WWI helmets, no crab hats, all of which were seen early on in the contest). Last year’s runner-up was in the Final four, and after he got eliminated in his final four round, he refused to get out of the spotlight, trying to give advice to the eventual winner, some guy named Martin with a weird accent. So Martin went home with the $700 and the Keystone Cup, a dude named Doug finished in 2nd, and the night ended. Well, almost. The moment I said “Take it lite”, a fight broke out between one of the drunk ass****** in attendance and one of the meathead bouncers. Advantage: meathead bouncer. Then the heavy metal band (named The Unit)took the stage. The first thing they yelled on stage? “F*** Rock Paper Scissors!” It was time to go.
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