Hey, here’s an article written by my former radio partner, Nat “The Truth” Jones, about his bitterness surrounding the Trojan War. I think you’ll enjoy it.
So, the Trojan War. Have you heard about this debacle? Do you know anything about this? Man, the Trojans really dropped the ball on that one, didn?t they? I know it was a long time ago and things have changed, but let me just start by saying that if I had bet money on the Trojans to win that war, I would?ve been totally livid with the outcome. Allow me to set the stage:
You are a proud, Trojan warrior. You and your brethren have been at war with the hated Greeks for who knows how long. Then, one day, as you arise to face another brisk day of fighting for your lives… the Greeks are all gone. All of them.
Let?s think about this for a second. I mean, after a f****** wedding there are going to be stragglers. There will be guys who couldn?t for the life of them manage to get a ride. There will be guys who never even tried to get a ride. There will invariably be dudes who get drunk and pass out in the bushes and miss all the rides. And the Greeks have now convinced you that every single man just up and left after they?d been fighting this war here for years. Not one of these men couldn?t get a ride. Not a single Greek was drunk and passed out in the bushes and missed the boat. Nobody was just too damn lazy to leave.
Come on. The Greeks should have had to leave at least a few guys to sell the Trojans on this thing. They should have had to draw straws and the guys who drew the short ones should have had to stay out on the beach and pretend they couldn?t get a ride. And of course, these men would be brutally murdered by the vengeful Trojans. But at least they would have, in dying, sold the bit.
OK, now let?s get back to ?reality? and put ourselves back in the mindset of the Trojan soldier who first finds that the Greeks have hit the road. Remember, you?re completely sold.
?Gee,? you would think to yourself. ?This sure is weird.?
And as strange a turn of events as that was, amazingly enough it was not even close to the weirdest thing you saw that day as you looked out upon the empty beach where the Greeks had set up camp. No, the thing that was really strange was that there was this crudely built, gigantic wooden horse in the general vicinity of where your enemy had been only yesterday. Almost as if… the horse had in some way… replaced the Greeks. I tell you, I don?t envy the man who was faced with the arduous task of deciding what to do with this novelty sized predecessor of the Garden Gnome. What a pickle.
So what do the Trojans do? They concluded what any semi-evolved, rational civilization would. And that of course is that this mysterious wooden horse was a sign from (or a gift from, reports vary) the Gods. I tell you, they must have thought those Gods were some all right guys after that.
?Yeah!? You would have shouted, slapping your fellow Trojan warrior firmly on the buttocks but not in a gay way at all. ?Check out the wooden horse the Gods sent us! That?s… that?s a big horse. Dude, we should put that thing in the city.?
?Inside the walls??
?Oh yeah,? you would answer confidently. ?That?s the only place to keep a horse like this.?
And so understandably the people of Troy were just absolutely thrilled with the acquisition of this new city ornament because their downtown area was a little drab and nothing spices things up or boosts tourism like a fifty foot wooden horse. They prepared to triumphantly carry the horse inside the otherwise impenetrable city walls and use it to help gentrify the downtown area.
But let?s take a second to examine these decisions further. Under careful scrutiny I was able to poke several holes in the reasoning behind them.
Why would the Gods present someone with a horse made of wood? I would think Gods would sculpt and build with finer materials; marble or gold would have been nice. And from what I understand, this was old wood they used. Old, wet wood from their damaged boats. Probably looked like it, too. And you know the Trojans had plenty of time to examine this big horse before they hauled it inside the city. Not a single one of them ever said anything.
?Damn, that horse?s leg looks just like the front of that Greek ship that was parked in the harbor for the past three years,? someone could have said.
?Did you hear someone sneeze from within the belly of that divinely created steed?? Someone else could have said.
?No you idiot,? you would have said matter-of-factly if anyone had said those things. ?That was a sign from the Gods.?
Of course, the giant horse made of old ship wood wasn?t a sign from God at all. It was an unprecedented, brilliant (I suppose) strategic maneuver concocted by those always crafty Greeks. They built this gargantuan wooden beast and a bunch of Greeks got inside it assuming (correctly) that the Trojans would be such idiots that they would a) not destroy it, b) not examine it too thoroughly, c) bring it inside the city, and d) leave it unattended. As it turned out this plan worked extremely well, forever silencing all the critics who had argued sculpture and war could not mix.
I can see the Greeks coming up with this master plan now:
?How we gonna get in that city?? A Greek soldier would ask.
?Yo man, I think we should build a big-ass hamster out of old ship wood and get inside that thing, yo.? Another would respond.
?That?s the stupidest f****** thing I?ve ever heard,? the first Greek would say. ?We should build a horse.?
But who?s to say a hamster wouldn?t have done the trick? Or a beaver. Or an armadillo. Or a giant wooden tick. Where exactly would this line in the sand be drawn? What giant wooden animal would not have been a sign from God and thus not deemed a city-worthy decoration? And did the giant wooden object on wheels have to even be an animal?
?Hey look,? a Trojan soldier would say, pointing excitedly. ?The Greeks are all gone and there?s a giant wooden terd where they once were! Do you think it?s a sign from the Gods??
?Don?t be stupid man,? someone immediately would have barked back. ?The Greeks must be in there. Let?s torch the f****** thing.?
But the Greeks picked the right animal and the right building material and (obviously) the right opponent to try this ruse on, so the city of Troy was sacked and burned to the ground. Tough break. Really, really tough break. One of those moments that will forever define your civilization, unfortunately.
Sadly, the Greeks have ruined this fiendish little gambit for the rest of us. It will never work again. Otherwise, a few days into the war in Iraq, the Iraqis would?ve gotten up and found the vast sands in front of them that had been occupied by the Americans empty. In the Americans? place: a giant Fabrege Egg.
?Hell yes!? Saddam Hussein would have yelled. ?Looks like a sign from Allah! Hey, did one of you guys sneeze??
?No, fearless leader.?
?Huh. Could?ve sworn I heard someone sneeze, but the only things here are us and this humungous, magnificent egg, so I guess I must be wrong! All right then, let?s haul this bad boy inside the Palace. I?m putting it in my room.?