The Final question for our final three contestants was: If you could have any job in the world (other than quizmaster) what would it be and why?
I want to be a member of the curtain pullers union on broadway.
Honestly if there was a contest to be the next New York curtain puller I would be there! The best part about this job is, even if your theatre doesn’t need a curtain at all, you still get paid for each performance, and paid well…on the other hand, if you really have to work all you are doing is pulling the curtain open and shut (this is what I have heard) at certain points in the show. That and a rent controlled apartment and you are set for life (much like my friend’s great uncle)…but quiz-master is cool too, yeah!
If I could have my choice of any job, I’d probably
have to go for Calendar Club operator. You know the
Calendar Club…they pop up in the mall for a few
months around Christmas time. They sell calendars for
$14 that you could buy at any place like Target for
$6.99. But seriously, it would have to be a kiosk and
not a store (or inline as we would say at the Club).
That way I’d be right in the middle of the game, not
on the sidelines. You know what I mean.
What could be better than standing in the middle of
the mall for 11 1/2 hours a day? Nothing. Except
when holiday hours start and it becomes 15 hours a
day. I imagine that my customers may get a little
agitated when I leave the kiosk to go to the bathroom
or get some food. But who could blame them? When you
find that perfect calendar you don’t want to wait four
minutes to buy it. But I bet they would be pretty
nice overall. We’d talk about the amazing coincidence
that one of the dogs looks just like theirs in a
calendar with 12 shots of the same breed (speaking of
dogs, I bet I would pick up the ability to name a
breed on site from staring at the “dog” section all
day). Or what a great idea the collaboration between
Anne Geddis and Celene Dion is. And I’d always be
ready to answer the question “Do you have anything by
Thomas Kinkade? His art is amazing” by letting them
know that Jam Master Sean will hook them up. But
there would be nothing better than the satisfaction of
a customer returning to say “They really loved that
calendar I bought here”. I imagine that when you
hang up the apron at the end of the night, that is
what it’s all about.
But I wouldn’t just get to meet the people who shop at
the mall, but the employees and management as well. I
bet they would be a bit apprehensive at first, since
I’m just a seasonal guy and don’t get to spend all
year at their mall. But after a few weeks, I’m sure I
could work past the hard stares and cold glances and
really get to meet some interesting people.
Then, one day in early to late January, I would put
all the calendars on sale and get ready to close the
Club. I would be a little sad, but the 50-75% off
sale would allow me to meet a whole new kind of
customer. Then I would say goodbye to my new mall
friends and then disassemble and box up the kiosk. And
as quickly as the Calendar Club appeared it would be
gone. But then I would look forward to my next
Christmas time adventure selling people the most
thoughtful gift in the world-calendars!
Now that Paris Hilton is getting married, the doorway is open
for me to achieve my dream job: to become the world’s most
famous insufferably obnoxious socialite whore. With Hilton
gone off to live in Greece or some other backwater country,
and my victory in Saturday’s $215 million “Powerball”
drawing, I can finally descend to the Stygian depths formerly
only accessible by the completely gross and distasteful hotel
heiress. Watch me have sex in night vision (possibly with
Raven-Symone)! Watch me destroy innocent red-staters’
livelihoods with my airheaded disdain for an honest days’
work! Watch me rub my crotch with a mass-market hamburger
while doing things to the hood of a car that would make the
director of Whitesnake’s “Here I Go Again” join a monastery!
Watch me watch me watch me!