Meet Tonight’s Contestants!

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First of all, a great job by last night’s contestants. Krystyna was able to hold her own in a Rendezvous bar that ate contestants for dinner in last year’s contest (Just ask Trivia Art, whose “Internet Boom and Bust” Round last year went bust, followed by a loud “boom” sound.) Edge and Moose, meanwhile, were somehow able to be heard above the din that was the Black Sheep, and did so while seeming as kool as…well, a moose. Here’s tonight’s contestants, explaining why they should be the next JGT. Pedro will be at the Good Dog, and Dan P. will be at the Bards. And yo, don’t forget to vote for who you wanna win.
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1. I’m short, so I can be crammed into small corners.
2. I train polar bears, “the dolphins of the sea”.
3. I can count to 3.
4. I should not be the next Johnny Goodtimes, because
Philly doesn?t need another. This town just ain?t big enough.
What it does need is someone to keep the big ball of trivia
tradition rolling; to keep the Johnny Goodtimes? franchise
vibrant and yes, virile; and to spread the Goodtimes gospel
far and wide, at least as far as Second and South streets. I?m
not going to try and cop Johnny?s game, because I?ve got my
own (although it will be tough not to throw in an oh-ho-ho my
goodness! once in a while). I am only going to ask you what
you look for in a quizmaster, and tell you with confidence
that I can deliver those things. And I am going to tell you
what I think is the most important thing: the quiz itself.
?Cause you and me are just specks along for a ride on this
crazy place called Earth, brah- and the civilizations to come
will judge us by the quality of our trivia. Or something.
Apart from being professional and being fun, it?s the quality
and originality of the game the quizmaster can provide that
sets the chosen few apart from the rest. I really think that I
can give you a kick-ass game that you?ll have a good time
playing, and I?m pleased to have the opportunity to rock the
mike one night a week wherever fortune takes me. Help me in my
quest to bring better trivia to the people of Philly, and may
the good times never stop.
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In 1996 I had the unique pleasure of sitting down and talking with television?s own quizmaster, Alex Trebek*. Though the conversation itself was eminently frustrating, required as I was to pose all of my questions in the form of? well? questions (Trebek can be such a diva), I knew from that point on that I too wanted someday to have a chance to expose the ignorance of others. With nothing but a dream, I left college and bounced from job to job. I had many opportunities to pursue my dream, from teaching – where the requirement to remedy ignorance can be quite bothersome – to roofing – where exposing ignorance goes at best unappreciated and at worst can put one in physical danger at the hands of an axe-swinging madman named Bob. Politics seemed like the perfect fit for a while giving me ample opportunities to speak to voters who didn?t realize that our Constitution wasn?t based on the Bible or who figured the best way to end gun crime would be just to give bigger guns to the ?good guys.? Eventually though, I realized that I was spending far too much time battling wits with unarmed individuals over issues that actually matter. With a chance to deal exclusively in trivia, I can live happy and guilt-free knowing that my sarcasm at the casual bar-goer?s lack of knowledge about obscure, British parliamentarians won?t cause permanent emotional scars (dumb kids) or cost my employer an election. Everyday, I learn at least 10 things that I didn?t already know and will probably forget tomorrow. I want a chance to see if everyone else is as dumb as I am.

*Ok, I saw him at a restaurant by which I mean I was out with friends and I saw him on the television. Although, technically, ?out? means ?in my apartment? and by ?with friends? I mean ?with my Australian bearded dragon, Grendel.?