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Do you notice that I’m wearing my army fatigues? Do you want to know why? Because this is WAR! I got so pissed off at McGlinchey’s Wednesday night, I just had to write about it, and since that moron Goodtimes is the only person who will pay a talented writer like me what I deserve, I’m putting it right here on his hokie website. I know what you’re thinking, “Bobby, people are supposed to be pissed off at McGlincheys!” But you’re missing the point. I’m hanging with Moose and Edge after their performance at the Black Sheep last night (I’ve been hanging out with only black people since white people started flipping their collars up), and the owner of McGlinchey’s comes up to me and says, real mean-like, “Don’t you ever bring an outside drink into my bar again!”
What? It would have been different if I was holding a flask of whiskey in my hand, but I just had a Vitamin Water. Oh well. I was willing to let that slide. But then, when we’re leaving, the owner goes after Edge and starts screaming at him, saying that he was writing on the front door with a pencil! What? Do you think any self respecting black person would graff a building in pencil? (Trust me, I know about black people. I’ve been hanging out with them ever since white people started wearing capris pants.) What’s more, there was a large group of people hanging out with Edge at the time, and I think at least one of them would have noticed if he had broken away from the conversation and begun to deface property. I mean, this owner isn’t just an ass****. He’s completely out of his f***** mind!
So I hacked Goodtimes e-mail yesterday, and came across this little gem from a concerned reader:
That info (in Johnny’s Useless Info section of his website)about New Jersey supplying 2/3 of the world’s eggplant is
completely bogus. New Jersey (mostly South Jersey where I lived for 20 years), supplies 12-14% of the eggplant in the U.S. It’s not even Number one in the U.S. California is. NJ is either 3rd or 4th depending on the year. I think at one time, maybe it’s still true, NJ supplied 2/3 of the eggplant eaten in Canada. How that became “the world” is beyond me.
I can’t decide which is more pathetic: that Johnny is presenting falsehoods on his website, or that any one human knows that much bulls*** about New Jersey eggplant.
Not all is lost, of course. We’ve still got our sports teams! At least the Phillies didn’t just lose three of four to the Mets… WHAT!!!! No biggie, we’re never really out of the race as long as Thome is…it’s his back, you say? Well, at least the Sixers are still…no? No sweat, this is a football town, our team just went to the Super Bowl, and I don’t see any bumps in the…TO did what? Westbrook wasn’t there? McNabb said what about TO? Well, I’d love to stay and chat, but I need to head to the hardware store for some rope and a book on knot tying. In the meantime, I’m Bobby Badtimes…Beware My Wrath!!!