Hey, if any single men between the ages of 21-35 want an opportunity to win big money on an upcoming national reality/game show, please be sure to attend the Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo Spectacular for the next couple of weeks. Johnny will be helping to cast for this program, as yet untitled. There is no entry fee. If Johnny thinks you’ve got the right stuff, you will earn an opportunity to try out in front of LA casting directors on October 22 at Philadelphia Casting here in Philadelphia. The right stuff is not in the traditional TV sense (this ain’t the Bachelor), but in an intellectual sense. I myself will be trying out. And you will have the opportunity to make a national TV appearance and win BIG MONEY!
Month: October 2004
Question of the week, booooooy!
What was the name of the DJ for Public Enemy in the 1980s, the man who only “Speaks with his hands”?
Story of the Day
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Have you guys seen Jon Stewart’s performance on Crossfire yet? If not, you have to see this! This is the full interview where he calls Tucker Carlson a dick on national tv.
Johnny welcomed back to Nick’s
Vinnie and the gang welcomed Johnny back to the place where it all began, as I’m Back blew out the competition to win at Nick’s, defeating the Quizlamic Jihad, 101-85. Sadly, Freddie “Boom Boom” Washington was unable to attend.
Dick Cheney’s Stockholders Win, Try to Shed Negativity
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Dick Cheney’s Stockholders, a team of young right wingers, was able to win big at Doc Watson’s on Monday night. They also took advantage of their time in the media spotlight to talk about the good side of Halliburton. “Listen, when people say bad things about Halliburton, they’re talking about the old Halliburton,” said team member Thadley Nickerson III. “The old Halliburton sold Libya and Iraq oil drilling weapons which could be used to detonate nuclear devices and overcharged the army for food and fuel. The new Halliburton cuts people’s lawns, and brings you chicken noodle soup when you don’t feel well. At Halliburton, it’s out with the old and in with the new!”
Help a Philly Sports Hero
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Screw A.I. and T.O. In the truest sense of the word, Manute Bol is the biggest sports hero to ever come out of Philly. He gave all the money he earned in his NBA career to help his countrymen in Sudan, and the money he has made in charity events since then has been given to help orphans in Sudan. Then, in June, he was in a horrific car accident and he has been in the hospital ever since, racking up a huge hospital bill he cannot possibly pay for. Let’s show Manute why Philly sports fans are the best in the world (excluding, of course, the mental midgets who ruin it for everybody else at the Linc) . Donations can be sent to:
Manute Bol Medical and Special Needs Fund
c/o Fleet Bank
4 N. Main Street
West Hartford, Conn 06107
Ern Goes Into hiding
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Hounded by women, despised by jealous quizzo players, Quizzo legend Ern R. Kern has been forced to go into hiding. “The heavy drugs, the beautiful women, the late night bar fights; it was all fun at first, but now it’s just getting out of control,” said the phenom. “I have to wear a disguise now just to go to the grocery store, or I might get molested by a gorgeous woman or sucker- punched by a jealous fan. Fame is certainly a double edged sword.”
Beware My Wrath
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Alright, it’s time for Johnny to start kicking ass again. Hey, Philadelphia Weekly, how about ANOTHER cover story about real estate next week!! What’s this, like four in the last two months? Don’t worry, stories about real estate never get boring! That’s why “Real Estate Illustrated” has so many loyal subscribers. Hey, if I see a guy walking around wearing a Ralph Lauren polo shirt with the collar up, and I shoot him, has a crime really been committed? That’s it!! I’m throwing away my washing machine. What the hell. I mean, I’ll put clothes in on a Tuesday, and the water kicks in on a Thursday. No lie. Speaking of laundry, I’ve got a personal message for the crackhead who stole my laundry: Give it back! I saw you a couple of weeks ago at a resaurant near my house, but I didn’t go in and kick your ass because I think one of the waitresses there is cute and I don’t want her to think I just walk around town kicking crackheads’ asses. So you’re lucky!!! Speaking of women, is there a single one in Philly with a sense of humor? I mean, this new craigslist posting I put up is just plain funny. Why no responses? Wanna say thanks to everybody who came out for quizzo last night. There was a debate and a big baseball game last night and you still represented. Thanks again. Ok, enough with the sincerity. I think the Eagles should go to the videotape and find out who the idiots were who were calling for AJ Feeley to take over for McNabb last year, and make sure they are NEVER ALLOWED TO ENTER THE LINC AGAIN!!! The Eagles have the 3rd best QB in football and Feeley can’t even win the starting job on one of the worst teams in football history. Also, anyone who watched the three debates and is still voting for George Bush should have their clothes stolen by a crackhead! The only way Bush can get my vote is if he starts a gestapo that makes Celine Dion and her fans “disappear.” And what’s the deal with “Rock, Paper, Scissors”? CP has an interview with the Philadelphia “champion” this week. Hey, next week how about an interview with Philadelphia’s coin flipping…hey, wait a minute. What’s Paper, Rock, Saddam doing here? If you got a problem with any of the above statements, please comment below. My name is Johnny Goodtimes. Beware My Wrath!!!
Story of the Day
With the playoffs upon us, let’s relive the excitement of last year’s biggest play.