Each contestant was required to write down why they deserve to be the next Johnny Goodtimes.

* I?ve never given my laundry to a crackhead.
* I need a reason to wear Hawaiian shirts.
* I won?t bail on quizzo to talk to the animals.
* I hate Jane Eyre.
* I will not use my position as quizzo master to hit on impressionable young women who play quizzo, like a certain local quizmaster who shall remain nameless.
* In a former life I went by the name Trivia Art and was responsible for daily trivia questions on a web site that was named by Yahoo! as one of the 50 Most Incredibly Useful Sites on the Internet.
* I do a mean Pope J.P. Deuce impersonation.
* I have a solution to the homeless problem.
* I have not been convicted of a Federal crime, yet.
* I promise to start within a half an hour of the scheduled start time.
* I have nothing better to do.

Second up is the team of Jess Maybe and Katie Sometimes. These beautiful ladies were in action last night at O’Neals and the Bards. They actually got a letter of recommendation from a distant cousin of Johnny, Bert Mediocretimes.

I am writing to you on behalf of Jess Maybe and Katie Sometimes. These women are of high moral stature, absolute dependability and impeccable intelligence. Their dogged love of quizzo has formed them into the fine young women they are today. Having known them, I would highly recommend them to any quizzo capacity they choose to pursue. These qualifications make them exceptional candidates for this position.

Sincerely,
Bert Mediocretimes

Let’s hope that “high moral stature” statement doesn’t cost them!

The third contestants are a pair of brothers, Bethesda and the lovely Elizabeth. They wrote a paragraph explaining why they should be the next JGT. Thus far they did a great job entertaining the O’Neals with strange fruit and then did a horrible job running off copies for the Bards crowd.

To be accepted into the Goodtimes family and to actually become Johnny incarnate would not only be an honor, but would set into motion those events which put myself (Brother Bethesda) and the Beautiful Brother Elizabeth at the forefront of the race for world domination. We hope to raise an army whose strength is trivia and who could be cajoled into fighting for $25 gift certificates. In addition to sustaining and nourishing the current fan base, we hope to strengthen, expand, and finally enable this veritable sisyphus to transform into a juggernaut. And when Johnny returns, his business will have turned into an empire, and he will be grand ruler of the entire Planet.

Next up is Doug the Professor. He had a list of six reasons he deserved to be the next Johnny Goodtimes, and will be seen tonight.


1. I choose not to wax my goatee.
2. I’ll keep saying, “Can you Doug it?” as my catchphrase.
3. No pirate jokes.
4. I’ll give everybody my password to bangbus.com.
5. I know that Tiger hands is the best hand in Paper Rock Scissors.
6. I have a lot of free time.

Finally, we have the Grand Inquizzator, who was in action last night.


One could easily view my entire tenure on this planet as naught but a quest to
accumulate marginally useful information and force people to listen to me.
These drives, coupled in a normal person, would’ve already produced a
formidable quizmaster in a city like Philadelphia – gripped, as it is, by a
quizzo pandemic. But there is a third drive within me which is equally
insatiable and fundamentally at odds with the first two; the drive to make it
to the grave having accomplished absolutely nothing. On rare occasions, when
my near-total lack of ambition is somehow circumvented by sheer dumb luck, I
manage to do one or two of the 80,000 things I’ve said I would do. This is, or
could be, one of those things. Once I get started, I rule. It’s just that the
initiative is often lacking. So, in summation, for me not to get this gig
would suck a whole bunch of dog c*** onaccounta I’m 34 and will be dead soon
and I’m destined to start a quizzo empire in Portland (or somewhere) and if
I miss this crucial step I may never do anything and so I might as well just lay
down and die. In fact, I may as well just come right out and say it -I have a gun to my head and I’m gonna pull the trigger if I don’t win. There, you happy?

Oh ho ho My Goodness, a conglomeration of some of America’s brightest minds, was able to look defeat in the eyes without squinting, and dispatched of a fiery team from I Robot, 96-91. The win was inspirational, as Jeff Silverbloom of the Goodness was recently diagnosed with scurvy, having somehow gotten it from a 18th century sailor. Long story.

Sorry, it was Forbes that recently revealed the richest supermodel in the world. This is according to Forbes, not to other websites. Here’s the link.

The contestants were all given the assignment “What I learned from being Johnny G. for a night?” Thus far, four have answered. Here are their replies.

In today’s society, the concepts of honor and justice are as rare as 15 year
olds named Hazel. America’s apathy to morally reprehensible events and actions is, well,morally reprehensible. This culture of indifference pervades every element of our lives, invading our living rooms on the news, cloaking our words,and clouding our decision making abilities.
What we have learned in our first week as Johnny Goodtimes, however, is that
all members of the quizzo community are stripping off this leaden glove of
indifference and grasping for the brass ring of truth, justice and the
American way.
Yes, last week, a great tragedy was averted. The evil falcon of electoral
fraud attempted to swoop in and steal a hard won victory from us. We thank
all of you for speaking up and preserving our triumph.
What they wrote really doesn’t make much sense to me. But damn they’re cute, aren’t they?

Since everyone hates the true/false round anyway, I thought I?d have some fun with it and make it a themed round. As long as everyone had approximately the same chance of answering correctly, what would the harm be? The round is supposed to be the great equalizer anyways. Boy was I wrong, my theme, DotCom Boom or Bust, went over about as well as a narc at a biker rally. So I ruffled some feathers at Locust Rendezvous and Black Sheep, and Johnny gave me a much safer wild card round to do on Thursday. But I?ll tell you what; I miss the anger that was directed at me Wednesday night. The world needs villains like Ken Jennings, the Yankees, the manatee, etc. I think that?s my role, to be the hated quizzo master. I?m sure that this week you?ll enjoy ?true or false, this is the name of a piece of Ikea furniture? and questions like, ?am I wearing underwear??
So that?s what I learned, it’s OK to be hated, and I learned a couple of other things to, most notably that Johnny is weak when it comes to telling women no.
I think the Narc at a biker rally would have gone over a little better Trivia Art’s wild card round. I think his wild card round went over about as well as an adult female on R. Kelly’s tour bus.

The crowd at the Rendezvous is very whiny. And fickle to boot. They jumped
down my throat for asking questions about the Yankees. One gentleman said that
every answer for my round should be, “Who cares? The Yankees suck.” My
favorite was the nice older man who pointed out that a train leaves for NY from
30th Street Station every hour, and I should be under one. But they started to
sing a different tune when they heard the true/false questions about dot com
businesses. Then they all loved me.
Trivia can not be rushed. It must be laid back. If you try to rush it and
adhere to what normal people might call a starting time, then it’s not trivia.
It’s an SAT.
Doug went on to say a bunch of stuff about his car breaking down on the way to Thursday night’s quizzo, but let’s be honest. Who gives a s***?

On Wednesday my mom took me to the bar. I wanted to talk into the microphone where you ask people the questions. There was a man there whowas nice. He told me some questions to say. Then i got to say the questions my mom gave me but only half because of these two girls. I got a little sad but not cried.
Then the man told me that they were pretty and I could see he was right, but
usually they’re gross. <--- I did the letters trick. The girls were also nice. Then a strange man had some fruit but he was nice too. On my trip to the bar to play pretend to be Mr. goodtimes, I learned a lot. First, ther are a lot of nice people in bars. When my mom got too drunk to walk a man even carried her all the way home because he was nice. The questions were hard. When I grow up, I want to be a bar. Before you vote off the Inquizzanator, remember that he does have a disadvantage: He’s out of his f****** mind.

This one’s pretty creepy. Your computer can figure out what you’re thinking about by asking less than 20 questions.