Jams Hold Off Bullies

centresquare_12_9 (Custom).jpgThe Jams were able to squeak by the Bullies as Frank Clements hottest rivalry heated up again at Centre Square Bar and Grille. The Bullies, who had joined forces with once bitter enemies Dewey and Howe, were one letter away from spelling Baryshnikov right, which would have given them the title. Instead the Jams came away with the 95-93 win.

The Hot Four

Here are the Four hottest teams on the Johnny G. Quizzo Circuit:

  1. The Missing Heads (Pictured below) have won four straight at the Black Sheep, and were only one question away froma perfect score last week.
  2. S2 has won three straight at O’Neals.
  3. Would You Eat Them has won two straight at the Bards, becoming the first team to repeat at 20th and Walnut.
  4. The Sulfur Clams got a phone call from George Bush after a 6th place finish two weeks ago, then moved all the way up into fifth place

    Missing Heads at Black Sheep

Goodtimes Receives Death Threat!

letter-s.jpgJohnny Goodtimes received a death threat a few days ago, and the Johnny Goodstapo was immediately called into action. “It was a friendly letter,” said Johnny, “But then at one point the writer said ‘they could tell me, but they’d have to kill me’. I think it was a throwaway comment, based on something Tom Cruise said in the 1985 box office sensation Top Gun. But in these troubled times, you can really never be too cautious.” Things got worse a couple of days later. “I got another letter, this one apologizing for the remark, but letting me know that ‘this is the way South Philly girls roll.’ Needless to say, I called the Johnny Goodstapo on the double.” Baron von Weinerschnitzel (below) has been head of the Goodstapo since 1922. “This isn’t the first time this has happened. You’ve got to remember, Johnny is an international mega-star, so these things are bound to occur. But ever since Johnny got his ass handed to him by that broad at the aquarium, we’ve had to be even more vigilant.”
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Nation Keeps It Real

nicks_12_3 (Custom).jpgThe Nation of Quizlam was able to squeeze past the Atari Monkeys on Wednesday at Nick’s Roast Beef, 92-89. But they wouldn’t have been able to do it without their friends-from the rap group N.W.A.! “That MC Ren is a lot smarter than people give him credit for,” said team leader Otis “Silver” Spoons. “And Ice Cube knows a lot about state capitols, which paid off in the wildcard round.” But it was Eazy E who really came through in round four, scoring the bonus question right and taking the team over the top. “The Boys N Da Hood are not only hard,” continued Otis, “But they’re smart as well!”

Dewey, Bully, and Howe Win Inaugural!

center_12_2 (Custom).jpgDewey, Bully, and Howe were able to squeak past the Consultants in the first ever Quizzo at Centre Square Bar and Grille, 95-94. Shortly after the contest, DB & H received a telegraph from the 1903 Boston Pilgrims, who won the first ever World Series. “They just said that they knew how we were feeling, both being the winner of huge inaugural events and all,” said DB & H member Rollie Cornwright. “They also said that they would buy us a round, but they can’t because they’re all dead.”
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Whiskey Lou Rips Monkey From Back

docwatsons_12_1-(Custom).jpgThe Whiskey Lou Rebellion, playing in honor of a favorite judge who recently passed away, were able to rip the monkey from their backs in convincing fashion on Monday, fighting off the Moe Syslack Experience, 91-86. The Rebellion, who had won the first quizzo they had participated in, months ago, and had not won since, were relieved to get a win. “Those monkeys were poorly behaved. They would hurl their own feces, screech through the night, and stab me with their swords,” said team member Sal Alamo. “I’m glad that’s all done with.”

Special Ed Ed WIns!

docwatsons_11_24 (Custom).jpgSpecial Ed Ed was barely able to hold off defending champs Vandolay Industries at Doc Watson’s Pub on Monday. Ed had a 16 point lead going into the last round, but the Industries were able to fight off a fierce buzz and fell by only by a point, 90-89. The Dildogs pulled off an almost impossible feat in Round Three, getting nine wrong-IN THE TRUE/FALSE ROUND! According to my calculations, the odds aginst that happening are 512-1.

Hard Times for Goodtimes

pressconference_custom.jpgAt a press conference on the steps of Capitol Hill, Johnny Goodtimes tearfully apologized for an error he made in last week’s Quizzo Spectacular. On the question, “True/False: Andrew Jackson was the first president born in the United States of America,” Johnny stated that the answer was true. His reasoning was that the first six presidents were born in the British colonies. However, after receiving an e-mail from angry fan Brett “The Barber” Beefcake, Johnny did more research. “Today, I regret to inform you, the fans, that an inexcusable error was made during last weeks Quizzo. Andrew Jackson was born in 1767, and Martin Van Buren was the first born after July 4, 1776. Though it did not alter last week’s standings, it is an embarrassment to me, my family, and my good friend Paris Hilton. I hope you, the fans, can forgive me,” Johnny said before breaking into uncontrollable sobbing. This has not been an easy week for Goodtimes. He was spotted twice over the weekend at Pat’s Steaks after 3 a.m. ,having obviously struck out with the ladies repeatedly over the course of both nights. Though the press conference was not seen on television here in America, it was seen on two different stations in Saskatchewan, where Johnny is very big.
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