Rumors of Santa Rapping Are Completely False

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There are rumors going around that Santa rapped at last night’s party at Johnny Brenda’s, but those rumors are completely false. Santa is very busy this time of year, and he certainly doesn’t have time for rapping. Rumor that it was a fun party are true, however, and kudos to the lovely Ginger for putting together a great party and raising money for Parkinson’s Disease. (Another Santa photo after the jump.)

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“You’re Havin’ My Baaaby…

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…what a wonderful way to show me that you love me.” What convinced Jamie Lynn Spears’ mom to tell the tabloids about her pregancy? Simple. A cool one million dollars. I hope Lynn Spears names one of the baby’s teddy bears Mohammed, and the Saudis get mad and kidnap her and lop her head off in the town square. Oh, and her book on parenting got canned. Apparently the publishers realized that a Lynn Spears book on parenting would be like an Alycia Lane book on the importance of making good decisions.

Another interesting thing about this situation: A few months ago, the National Inquirer reported that she was pregnant. Her lawyers fired off a letter to them which read in part: “Ms. Spears is a devout Christian with a spotless reputation, who lives in accordance with the highest moral and ethical standards in accordance with her faith.” Is it just me, or everytime that someone calls themselves a “devout Christian with a spotless reputation”, they eventually end up buying smack from a male prostitute or getting pregnant at age 16?

Phillies Get Serious About Winning Title, Add Jenkins and Durbin

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Look out, National League! There is one team that is going to be not quite as good as it was last year, but will still win at least 80 games! That’s right, the Philadelphia Phillies, firm believers in tradition, have decided to pick up a few more pieces of rusty metal off the scrap heap. What looks like JD Durbin, sounds like JD Durbin, and puts about as much fear into opposing hitters as JD Durbin? That would be his brother, Chad Durbin, who is now a Philadelphia Phillie. Dontrelle Willis? Puh-leez. Johan Santana? Whatever. We’ve got Chad Durbin. That’s why this is one of the most storied franchises in all of sports, because they always are doing whatever it takes to build a champion. Speaking of building a champion, we have a new centerfielder to replace Rowand! Geoff Jenkins. He’s older than Rowand, and not as good as Rowand, but that’s OK, because he’s cheaper than Rowand, and that’s what this franchise is all about. Keeping it cheap. 4th largest market in baseball. 15th highest payroll. Jenkins actually isn’t that bad, though. He does give you a little pop in the outfield (21 HRs last year), but his BA was only .255. But he’s definitely not as good as Rowand.

Christmas Under Attack!

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Well, the left wing media and the activist judges are at it again, trying to ruin Christmas. It looks like now they’re trying to kill Santa Claus. Oh sure, the report says that it was drug runners, but we all know better.

But on a (mildly) more serious note, this Bill O’Reilly “War on Christmas” thing is one of the more idiotic ideas his feeble mind has ever come up with. “Merry Christmas” wasn’t even a common phrase until Dickens released a Christmas Carol in 1843, so it’s not like we’re killing off some ancient tradition. And the word “Holiday” comes from “Holy day”, so how are you making this a secular day if you are wishing people a Happy Holy Day? Finally, “X-Mas” is not porn loving left wingers trying to take Christ out of Christmas. “X” is the greek letter “chi”, and for centuries, the Greeks have used XMas as an abbreviation for “christ’s festival”. But perhaps the most sensible thing I’ve come across about this topic can be read here:
…many Christians are genuinely concerned about the secularization and commercialization of the holiday. But for those who truly want to “put Christ back into Christmas,” the answer is in giving more time and attention to religious and charitable activities, not in demanding more Christian symbolism at the place where you shop. Macy’s is not a temple.

Has Goodtimes Found New Anchor Crush?

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Things between JGT and Alycia Lane have gotten a bit rocky because of this whole Booker thing. (Not because of the cop punching thing. In fact, Goodtimes admits that the cop incident makes her “only seem even hotter. I love crazy women.”) But a close source tells us that Goodtimes now has his eye on co-worker Kerri Lee Halkett*. She apparently just broke up with her boyfriend, Jamison Uhler, who earlier this year wore a woman’s tank top and splashed water on himself in a pool in one of my, ahem, one of Johnny’s favorite videos ever.

*Although he admits, “I don’t really see her that much around the office” at FOX, where Goodtimes has recorded his critically acclaimed online quizzoes.