Around the Horn, brought to you by Bill and Hillary
- Bad news for Ron Paul. First he bombs in New Hampshire, then we find out that he used to put out a racist newsletter in which he endorsed David Duke. I am hoping that by posting this I will get 125 angry commenters in the comments section below.
- Perhaps the greatest line in a news story ever: “He understands that in a civilized society a person cannot send a severed cow’s head to anybody.” What kind of nation have we become when we can’t strike back at an ex or a cheating wife with a severed cow’s head? (Courtesy of PhiladelphiaWillDo.)
- Dennis Kucinich got kept out of the debate on Saturday night, despite having just as good a chance to win as Bill Richardson. Why? Perhaps because ABC was hosting the debate, and Kucininch is the only candidate who has not received money from Disney, ABC’s parent company. Donspiracist, where are you?
- McNabb says that the Eagles need playmakers. I disagree. Hank Baskett is waaaaay better than Chad Johnson, it’s just a different system.
I Came, I Saw, I Concord: Chip Chantry Reports from New Hampshire!
JGT had his official political correspondent, Chip Chantry, head north to report back on the New Hamsphire primaries. Here is his exclusive report.
For my first column of 2008, I headed north to the the Buckeye State, New Hampshire. And I did it the way the first settlers first did: In a Nissan Sentra full of prescription painkillers, Ramen Noodles, and a little thing called “Patriotism”.
Digging deep into the history of the New Hampshire Primary, I unearthed these 12 vital pieces of Election Day information. Enjoy.
1. New Hampshire is the first Primary Election in the nation. New Hampshire law stipulates this, thus the date is repeatedly pushed up each year. Subsequently, the New Hampshire Primary for the 2012 election will be a week from this Thursday.
2. Anyone uttering the word “caucus” in public during the first two weeks of January in New Hampshire is subject to four hours in the stocks at the center of Concord.
3. During the 2004 New Hampshire Primaries, not a single person in the state voted. Many believe the complete lack of voter turnout was due to the fact that the USA Network aired a 24-hour marathon of the hit show Monk that day.
4. If you have an arm or a leg in a cast, you are not permitted to vote in the New Hampshire Primary.
5. At the Laconia, NH polling precinct, legally there must be a sign hanging that clearly reads: “MASTURBATION IN THE VOTING BOOTH IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED. WE’RE LOOKING AT YOU, BURT HARTIGAN.”
6. Since 1980, on Primary night, after the winners have been announced, one candidate from each party is awarded the “Spiro Agnew Copper Medal for Spunk” award. Historically, every single recipient drops dead exactly 48 hours after receiving the award. Experts are unsure as to why this occurs, or why on God’s green earth people are still giving and receiving the “Spiro Agnew Copper Medal for Spunk”.
7. Since the 1996 Primary, the 90’s band 4-Non Blondes have had a standing gig every Tuesday night at the Blue Hill Tavern in Claremont, NH. And they’re still playing that f**king song.
8. Seventy-two percent of New Hampshire’s population is Christian. However, not one person from the other 28% has ever voted. When asked why the other denominations do not come out on Primary Day, one Portsmouth police officer answered, “…because they’re all home sittin’ shiva if they know what’s good for ’em!” He then winked at me and fed his dog a quart of gravy.
9. For this year’s Primary night, Josh Crawford’s parents are out of town. His older brother, Doug, came down from Augusta and bought him a keg. So there’s going to be a rager at his place tonight. And guess what-Madison-yes, hot Madison from your Chemistry Lab- she’s going to be there, and I heard she’s into you. You are getting so laid tonight, dude!
10. Mitt Romney would have pushed through and won this year’s primary if he was only allowed to have Caffeine. Damn you, Brigham Young!
11. Whether it’s in a loveless marriage, or a Vietnamese POW camp, New Hampshire likes their candidates trapped. Congratulations to Hillary Clinton and John McCain.
12. And congratulations to Bill Richardson for receiving the “Spiro Agnew Copper Medal for Spunk” award. May the LORD have mercy on your soul.
RELATED: More Chip Chantry.
Back in the Saddle
First the holidays, then jury duty. I haven’t really had much time for the website. I know that this has been frustrating for my millions of four fans. Well, I think I’m back. Today, gonna try to tell you about my court experience and possibly about my near fight on New Years.Also, gonna try to meet with the Armory again. They are the front runners for QB4. Need to talk to the band today as well, and see if we can settle on a date. (Looking at mid-March. March 8th is out.)
Wheels of Justice Done Spinning for Juror #9
My time in the jury box is now over. It was an interesting experience, and I will have a short write up about the process manana. For now, I am running late on doing my questions, so I hope to see you tonight, as we return to action at O’Neals for the first time in 3 weeks.
O’Neals (3rd and South) 8 p.m.
Bards (20th and Walnut) 10 p.m.
Question of the week
In Seasons three and four of the original American Gladiators, there was a Pro Football Challenge of Champions. This former Heisman Trophy winner won both times.
Back to the Courthouse
Don’t know how long I’ll be. At least until late afternoon, I suspect. So check back then for the question of the week.
Man was that Championship great or what!
Wow, another year, another amazing National Championship game! Boy, I can’t wait until Ohio State beats up on a pathetic Big Ten (3-5 in bowls this year) again next year and then gets crushed by another SEC team in the championship game for the 3rd straight year. Won’t that be awesome? Oh well, as long as USC and LSU don’t settle this on the field, but in a computer (the same computer that thought that Ohio State was #1 in the country going into last nights game), I’m happy. Because that’s what sports should be all about: determining a champion via computers and voters, not on the field of play. Thank you BCS!
Chuck Norris is a Viable Running Mate Wins at the Bards
What is the name of the final event, the obstacle course?
Pics of last weeks winners
Gonna post pics of last weeks winners, followed by a question about American Gladiators. Pretty interesting week, three first time winners and a loss for the Kingdom. I cannot post the Vous winner yet because I used a friends camera for that photo and said friend can’t currently find his or her camera. I am fairly confident that this person will locate this camera in the near future, and I will post the Vous winner at that time.