I Came, I Saw, I Concord: Chip Chantry Reports from New Hampshire!

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JGT had his official political correspondent, Chip Chantry, head north to report back on the New Hamsphire primaries. Here is his exclusive report.

For my first column of 2008, I headed north to the the Buckeye State, New Hampshire. And I did it the way the first settlers first did: In a Nissan Sentra full of prescription painkillers, Ramen Noodles, and a little thing called “Patriotism”.
Digging deep into the history of the New Hampshire Primary, I unearthed these 12 vital pieces of Election Day information. Enjoy.

1. New Hampshire is the first Primary Election in the nation. New Hampshire law stipulates this, thus the date is repeatedly pushed up each year. Subsequently, the New Hampshire Primary for the 2012 election will be a week from this Thursday.

2. Anyone uttering the word “caucus” in public during the first two weeks of January in New Hampshire is subject to four hours in the stocks at the center of Concord.

3. During the 2004 New Hampshire Primaries, not a single person in the state voted. Many believe the complete lack of voter turnout was due to the fact that the USA Network aired a 24-hour marathon of the hit show Monk that day.

4. If you have an arm or a leg in a cast, you are not permitted to vote in the New Hampshire Primary.

5. At the Laconia, NH polling precinct, legally there must be a sign hanging that clearly reads: “MASTURBATION IN THE VOTING BOOTH IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED. WE’RE LOOKING AT YOU, BURT HARTIGAN.”
6. Since 1980, on Primary night, after the winners have been announced, one candidate from each party is awarded the “Spiro Agnew Copper Medal for Spunk” award. Historically, every single recipient drops dead exactly 48 hours after receiving the award. Experts are unsure as to why this occurs, or why on God’s green earth people are still giving and receiving the “Spiro Agnew Copper Medal for Spunk”.

7. Since the 1996 Primary, the 90’s band 4-Non Blondes have had a standing gig every Tuesday night at the Blue Hill Tavern in Claremont, NH. And they’re still playing that f**king song.

8. Seventy-two percent of New Hampshire’s population is Christian. However, not one person from the other 28% has ever voted. When asked why the other denominations do not come out on Primary Day, one Portsmouth police officer answered, “…because they’re all home sittin’ shiva if they know what’s good for ’em!” He then winked at me and fed his dog a quart of gravy.

9. For this year’s Primary night, Josh Crawford’s parents are out of town. His older brother, Doug, came down from Augusta and bought him a keg. So there’s going to be a rager at his place tonight. And guess what-Madison-yes, hot Madison from your Chemistry Lab- she’s going to be there, and I heard she’s into you. You are getting so laid tonight, dude!

10. Mitt Romney would have pushed through and won this year’s primary if he was only allowed to have Caffeine. Damn you, Brigham Young!

11. Whether it’s in a loveless marriage, or a Vietnamese POW camp, New Hampshire likes their candidates trapped. Congratulations to Hillary Clinton and John McCain.

12. And congratulations to Bill Richardson for receiving the “Spiro Agnew Copper Medal for Spunk” award. May the LORD have mercy on your soul.
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