Instead of beer drinking babes in bikinis or cars racing around the autobahn, recession-era television advertising includes a lot more D-celebrities using high quality knives while yelling at us that we’ll get an even better deal if we order within the next 15 minutes. I think this is great news, because infomercials are so much more fun than regular commercials. The acting is brutal, the scripts are terrible, and the products seem highly dubious. Here are a few of my all-time favorites:

GLH-9…Hair in a Can! This is my favorite product anyone has ever invented ever, and that includes electricity. GLH-9 took men who were considerably bald and, with just a few quick sprays, had them looking like they were bald with black spray paint on their heads. Incredible!

Tom Vu Technique. This Vietnamese immigrant made millions using a simple real estate system. How do we know? Because he’s playing Backgammon on a yacht with several busty blondes. And only rich people play Backgammon.

The Juiceman Juicer. The Juiceman Jay Kordich wowed audiences with a machine that turned fruits into juices, and he was so high energy that one wondered if one of the fruits he juiced was that of the coca plant. That being said, this is the only infomercial product I actually own, and I’ll be honest, it’s one of my prized possessions.*

Probably the most talked about new infomercial has been the Snuggie. Needless to say, most blankets were made back when humans were four feet tall and had no desire to look like followers of an evil cult. But now with the Snuggie, the whole family can comfortably go to the big game looking like it’s only a matter of days before they sacrifice their first born son to the Hale Bopp comet.

The Flowbee. It sucks as it cuts! It was a haircutting attachment that hooked up to your vacuum, and then, presumably, sucked your hair right off your head. Sounds pleasant. Makes about as much sense as a toenail trimmer that attaches to your garbage disposal. Hey wait, that’s not a bad idea!