What was the name of Tonya Harding’s ex-husband who helped her take out Kerrigan?

The Goat Asses were able to get over the proverbial hump at Nick’s on Wednesday and win their first Johnny Goodtimes Spectacular. But Johnny was able to break the biggest news story in Philly this week, as it was discovered that Mary Kate Olsen, or Ashley, or Mary Ashley, or whatever the hell her name is who blows chunks or starves herself or whatever to lose weight was rehabbing at Nick’s. “We’ve got her eating three roast beefs a day, and she’s already put on like four pounds,” said Nick R. Beef, owner of the establishment. “She should be back to totally sucking in no time.”

Emphasizing a strict defense and disciplined offense, Larry Brown was able to deliver again on Monday night, leading 1022 to a 64-62 victory over Sloe Gin Quiz in the greatest defensive battle the game has ever seen. “I like to see the game played the right way,” said Brown, who got his wish, as even an enormous quad of med school students was kept at bay. The doctors of tomorrow drank three barzookas and were unable to even break 60 points in JGT Quizzo, and you’ll possibly be counting on them to save your life in a medical emergency in a few years. Something to think about.

Now that Griffey has hit the milestone, what major leaguer is now the closest to 500?

Irony was the order of the day, as several members of a team called Cataclysmic Bike Crash were injured following their win at Doc Watson’s when a crazed bike rider crashed into them. The stranger mentioned something about the basement at the Alamo, then quickly drove off. Police are investigating the suspect, who apparently rode directly to the Forum at 22nd and Market after the accident.

What 89 year old man did Anna Nicole Smith marry in 1993?

Johnny Goodtimes New Haircut might have been fooled by Johnny’s hair (he hasn’t had a haircut in like two months), but they were not fooled by his question in Overtime, which allowed them to squeak past Bedtime For Bonzo. It was an emotional contest, and Bedtime for Bonzo was devastated at it’s conclusion. “I got a question,” said Ralph Snowblower of the Bonzo’s. “Why all the hubbub over Reagan dying? I mean, Bonzo was the star of that movie, and I don’t remember Gorbachev coming in for his funeral.”

What was the only movie Nancy and Ronald ever appeared in together?

The Big Sticks were able to win at Nick’s on Wednesday. “That’s garbage,” said Bill Badaz of the third place team. “They knew that the second round was going to be spelling. Why else would they bring that Tidmarsh kid?” Indeed, the rest of the team left before the photo was taken, but the spelling bee champ had a couple of cold ones, then received the first place trophy from Joe.

In what state did John Ashcroft lose his senate seat to a dead man?