If you can’t make it to Rhubarb Fest, or are bitter because they have their Bake Off on a friday, which is total bulls***, then I highly suggest the Italian Market Festival. THis weekend, they are going to honor the Philadelphia Sound, so it should be awesome. And today, I am going to be working on making Philadelphia RubeFest a reality.

I know, I know, you picked up a Metro yesterday. Well, pick one up today because Steve-O (pictured above, with Fabio. God, I loved writing that) is interviewed in it.

I called today to pre-register for the Rhubarb Festival when I got some terrible news: the Intercourse Rhubarb Bake-Off is on Friday, not Saturday. And pardon my French, but that is total bulls***. I mean, seriously, who can enter a Bake-off on a Friday at 10 a.m.? Who? I’ll tell you who. Housewives. This contest is totally fixed so that they win every goddamm year. It is ridiculous. I might still go to the Festival on Saturday, but it will be with a sour taste in my mouth. And that taste won’t be rhubarb.

So here is my thought: We should have a 1st annual Philadelphia Rhuabarb Festival in June. I am serious. Let’s challenge all the local dessert chefs to come up with the best rhubarb dessert. And then we get really drunk. Who’s with me?

Full City vs. City Smackdown results from across 9 cities in North America!!!

Yeah, after a particularly devastating loss, I drowned my sorrows with an inverted keg stand which, in hindsight, wasn’t an extremely brilliant idea. But I did last full 12 seconds. Not bad for an old veteran. I’ll have more about bowling in the Metro on Thursday.

The bowling party, by the way, was a remarkable success, as long as you don’t judge it by my success on the lanes. I quit angrily in the 8th frame of the first game, and only bowled a 103 in game #2. Nonetheless, I definitely think that there needs to be another bowling party in the near future.

Gotta get to work on my Metro piece, but I got a lot to write about here, too. So check back this afternoon. In the meantime, a couple of quick bits:

-Here’s a funny sign Quizmaster Chris has noticed in the subway.

-Here’s a write up the Washington Post had up for City vs. City Smackdown.

-Philly came in 9th in road rage in the latest poll. We would have come in first, but our bullpen keeps accidentally giving the thumbs up instead of the bird.

-Oh, if the teams playing tonight have any hope of knocking off Philly, they better BRING IT. ‘Cause the Illa represented last night. Big time.

Ginger, Darren from Devil’s Alley and I headed over to Camden on Thursday morning. But things got weird before I got more than a block from my house when I saw, lying in the middle of 19th and Bainbridge, a sexual aid, as it were (mildly disturbing picture after the jump). Things got even weirder when we hopped off the red line in Camden. The red line has cards which you have to put in the turnstiles to get you through. I put mine in, but I couldn’t get through. I tried time and time again to no avail. Finally I hopped the turnstile. That’s when the voice of God came through a nearby drive thru speaker. “Hey you, in the white shirt, you need to go to City Hall and turn yourself in.” The voice of God (which was female by the way) was asking me to make a citizen’s arrest of myself. It was then that I realized that it wasn’t the voice of God but that I had been caught on a surveillance cam (above) hopping the turnstile and that the voice of God was a woman who spends her day watching the monitor, waiting for creeps like me to break the law. The woman then called a nearby phone. I pleaded my case, and was given my freedom. Once that was settled, it was on to the game.

Continue reading “Baseball, Pizza, and Sex Toys” →

Darren from Devil’s Alley, Ginger and I all had a damn fine day at the ballpark. Got a couple of funny stories to share, but will have to wait till manana so I can come up with these questions for tonight.

As for City vs. City Smackdown, tonight is the last night to earn an automatic invite. You gotta win at Good Dog or Bards. Here are the teams that are in for Smackdown so far:
Young Old and Restles
Satan’s MIinions
MAGMA
Sofa Kingdom
Top team from Rembrandt’s
Jams
Champs
Steve O.’s team
Team that won Tuesday at O’Neals

And a couple of question marks:
Trivia Art’s team
River of Rocks
Trust Us We Know
The Team that Aways Changes it’s Name
Dork Sided

The Narkotyzing Dysfunktion is the only team that has declined their invite. Speaking of them, I do still have some tix for sale for the $10 all you can bowl all you can drink bowling party that a few of their members are putting on tommorrow night. See me at quizzo tonight if ou wanna buy tix.

-Slight correction: I know I said that the winner of city vs. city smackdown would get $950. Actually, I forgot we’re giving away $150 prize for 2nd. Winner can win $800. Still not a bad day at the races.

-A couple of people are heading with me to ballpark tomorrow, including the lovely Ginger. The Riversharks are currently 3-1. That’s right, this is your chance to see a local team above .500!!! Weather forecast is 80 degrees with a slight breeze,and the stadium is widely considered one of the best in minor league baseball. Just call out of work and watch some 11 a.m. baseball. Don’t be a jerk. Holla at me if you wanna go.

-I do have tix on sale for the bowling party. They are going quick. I think this thing is gonna sell out before Friday, b/c you couldn’t get into an all you can drink bowling party with 2 DJs for $10 in the midst of the Great Depression. Anyway, you can buy your tix from me at quizzo or get them here.

–Alcohol makes your brain smaller, which makes quizzo kind of ironic. Let’s shrink our brains tonight!

There are rumors that Chip Chantry and I will be reuniting in a couple of weeks for a one time only Wheel of Terrific reunion. These rumors are absurd. Chip and I had a huge falling out after the Wheel of Terrific was taken off the air. I blamed us getting fired on him (he was repeatedly showing up for performances high on glue) and he blamed it on me (I spoke in broken Japanese throughout every show). So no, we will certainly not be reuniting for a one time only performance of the Wheel of Terrific. That’s just stupid.
RELATED: Chip reviews album covers in this weeks Philadelphia Weekly.