Yo, my homeboy Matt is the guitar player for a band in Brooklyn called Big Bang TV, and they are playing tonight at the Fire (412 West Girard). If you don’t play quizzo tonight, go check ’em out. Show kicks off at 9 p.m. (Word on the street is that this is Mike Huckabee’s favorite band.)

Pinchot and Mark Linn-Baker: greatest comedy duo ever?

After losing two of three to the Blue Jays, it was obvious that the Phils needed my help (They are 5-0 in games I have attended this year, and 19-21 in games I don’t attend). So I am heading down to DC to cheer them on against the Nationals. First time checking out the new stadium in DC. I’ll let you know how it is. In the meantime, here’s a short writeup I did about the Italian Market Festival on Kerri Lee’s blog.

• It was on this date in 1868 that Andrew Johnson was acquitted of impeachment by a single vote. Here is a short but thorough account of how it went down.
• Today on Kerri-Lee’s blog, I ask, “What would your last meal be if you were condemned to die?” There is also a link to the top 10 last meals of all time, which is recommended reading.
• Hockey is hot right now. I mean, sorry NBA, Chris Paul is awesome, but your playoffs are boring, with the refs handing wins to the home team every single game (Home teams are 20-1 in the 2nd round of these playoffs. Fishy? Something tells me Donaghy was a fall guy for a larger problem.)
  Crosby is exciting to watch, even for a casual fan like myself. And the hits are spectacular. Most importantly, hockey has Don Cherry, the best dresser in sports history. And even better, the guy is completely out of his mind. A few nights ago, he wore a pink suit that almost blew out my retinas, then called Detroit fans “rednecks”. I love this guy.
• The following sentence from bats*** crazy Steven Wells column in this week’s PW: Acting as Warden Nutter’s Lord Chamberlain and dressed like Bill Sykes out of Oliver! (complete with snazzy neckerchief and battered top hat), I’ll rule the fop-infested Philly arts scene with a rod of iron (literally) in the company of my ever faithful, cigar-smoking, quizzo-organizing, Winston Churchill-faced talking mutant English bulldog Johnny S*** Times. (Much as I do now, only more so.) I really have no idea how to respond to that. None.

Perfect morning to eat pancakes and drink OJ. Thinking about hitting up Sabrina’s. Be back this afternoon with scores. In the meantime, a couple of things to keep in mind for the weekend. First off, good news, rhubarb fans. Tommorrow is supposed to be 73 and sunny, and Sunday is more of the same. Which means that this is the perfect weekend for a festival. If you’re not up for a roadtrip, there are a couple of fun things going down in Philly. First up, the Italian Market Festival. Always a blast, and this year they’ve added the Inaugural John Marzano Halfball Tournament. (I love this city.) Then, in case you’re in the mood for something even weirder than seeing statues of saints marched down the street, we’ve got the annual Kensington Kinetic Sculpture Derby. Pics from last years look ridiculous, and I expect this year you’ll see more of the same. GOnna be a great weekend. Get outdoors and have fun.

A few days ago, Kerri-Lee (above, totally jacking my ruffled tuxedo top style) posted a few choice stupid quotes said by celebs over the years (I had forgotten about that Mariah Carey one. Honestly, the stupidest thing a human being has ever uttered. Ever. UPDATE: Woops. She never said it. I’m sorry Ms. Carey.) But today I looked around and found a few quotes I thought were actually pretty intelligent. And the one quote that I think is half-brilliant, half stupid comes from Shaquille O’Neal: “My game is like the Pythagorean Theorem. Nobody can figure it out.”

Here was a short blurb left in what was essentially an I Love You I Hate You section of a South Carolina newspaper:
This is to the trivia guy at Rockaways: I know people usually write in to bitch and moan, but my sorority sisters and I just wanted to tell you that your trivia night on Wednesdays is the highlight of our week! All we talk about during our late-night slumber parties and pillow fights is your sexy red beard and that mysterious bulge in your shorts. Oh, and your trivia questions of course … tee hee … I wonder if we could book you for a private trivia session? We don’t have much money but I’m sure we could work something out. We’ll see you for trivia this Wednesday at 9 p.m.!. P.S. — Would turning in our panties count as a right answer? We’ll try and find out!

In case anyone is curious: Yes, turning in your panties does count as a right answer.

Get your baking shoes on, folks! We’re a mere three days away from the largest and oldest Rhubarb Festival in the United States, and as you know, I was selected to be a celebrity judge (Apparently Gervase and Wang Newton had previous engagements). Needless to say, I am extremely excited. I hope I get an explosion of rhubarb in my mouth! If you’d like to enter a pie in the 25th annual Kitchen Kettle Village Rhubarb Pie Bake-Off (or KKVRPBO, for short), just go here and fill out the form. Something tells me, this is going to be the greatest bake-off ever!

RELATED: News story about the Rhubarb Festival…in Pittsburgh paper. Helllllllllooooo, Philadelphia media. Might wanna wake up and smell the rhubarb.
RELATED: I link yet again to my near upset in the 23rd annual Rhuarb Pie Bake-off.
RELATED: Pretty hilarious story I wrote about the 22nd Annual Bake off, which is where I first stumbled onto this little gem of a festival. Upon further review, I have to say that this is one of the funniest things I have ever written.

PGW cut off my gas on Friday which was a real @$$&@^& move because since they did right before the weekend I had to wait four days to get it turned back on. After three and a half days without a hot shower I desperately needed one. Man Law states that you can’t call a dude and ask to use his shower, and Ginger was working, so I called Smackdown and used her shower. And no, nothing ribald occurred.* Anyways, me and Smackdown and Gabe and the rest of the AmGlads Gang headed over to D-macs to watch Gladiators (The Eliminator still sucks.)

I would have gone home after that but Gabe said he was gonna grab another drink. So we met up with some friends of his from school at a bar that shall remain nameless b/c of what I’m about to tell you and the next thing you know I’m talking to this really hot blonde at the bar who gave me a look but then it turned out that she was 19 (seriously, she did not look 19. Ask Gabe. Or the bartender.) so after I talked to her for a little while (I didn’t want to be rude) I left and met up with Gabe and his friends again at Misconduct Tavern. Well, they closed at 2 (it’s the law) but Gabe was a member of Pen and Pencil so we headed there. I hadn’t been to the P & P in like 5 years, since I dated this girl that was a hard partier but also loved Jesus and tried to convert me over dinner and later ended up making out with one of my Jewish friends because he said he loved Jesus**. Next thing you know it is 4:45 a.m. and I am walking through the empty streets of Philadelphia back to my place. Then I had to wake up at 9:15 because the damn guy from PGW was here to turn my gas back on. God, I hate PGW! Um, so what was my point? Oh yeah, quizzo will probably suck tonight, because I am exhausted. But you should still go.

*though not b/c of a lack of effort on my part.
**True story

This tells you pretty much all you need to know about Jerseyites. There was a story on NJ.com today about a woman who fell off a cruise ship last night. Now, while some people would feel sympathy for this woman and her family, Jerseyites do not. According to just about every single commenter below the story, she must have been stupid and/or drunk, so she simply got her just desserts. Except for one commenter who suspects foul play.

• It’s difficult to fall off a cruise ship UNLESS you’re either drunk, doing something you should not be doing or you are somewhere you should not be. Since our society has devolved into an illiterate mass of immature morons, the last people I will ever blame are the ones who are consistently called upon to bail people out of “stupid people” situations.
• Just a wild guess here, but I’m going with an excessive use of alchohol coming into play in this story.
• In the end the taxpayer picks up the tab for these massive searches not the cruise companies.
• I tend to side with some who feel too much alcohol was involved here… yes, you can fall over board on a cruise ship but I feel it is because you did something stupid.
• I myself just came back from a cruise a week ago and let me tell you that the only way you fall off is either by climbing up over a railing and falling (commiting suicide) or some one has to pick you up and throw you over. She did not just fall by accident.
• If you call climbing on and hanging over the rail an accident I suppose it’s possible. Not to say I have any idea how this woman fell but it is all that I can imagine, especially only 3 hours or so into the cruise.

Well it looks like the crack detectives have done it again. Despite having no evidence, they have concluded that she was drunk and stupid, and thus deserved to die. It’s just a shame that our hardearned tax dollars go toward fishing riff raff like this out of the ocean.