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Alright, 2005 is here, and I’m already pissed off. First of all, Philadelphia Weakly has gotten so pathetic it hardly even seems worth mentioning. I mean, the cover story, the cover story is about a horny Asian kid with a video camera!!! That’s it!!! That’s the whole story! I just gave away the plot and the ending! I’m not kidding! There’s nothing else to it!!! There’s an asian kid who likes Italians and has a video camera, and he sometimes go to Delilah’s. If you read the entire story and can glean any more information than what I’ve just given you, I’ll buy you a beer. Un-freaking-believable. The only thing that the Weakly has going for it is Jessica Pressler, and she’s currently getting sued by some blueberry heir for a million dollars because she teased him in her article. What? You can’t sue somebody for hurting your feelings, jerk-off!!! In return for you being such an idiot, I’m calling on all Johnny Goodtimes fans to stop eating blueberries. The great Blueberry Boycott of 2005 has begun! Spread the word. Boy, those people in charge of college football sure know what they’re doing, don’t they? I mean, first this BCS system they come up with works like a charm, as only three teams finish the season undefeated, and then they think that football fans just can’t get enough Ashlee Simpson. What? How about a Wham! reunion at next year’s Orange Bowl? I’m sure football fans would love it. Oh, and here’s a piece of advice for everybody: If you’re sort of casually dating someone for a couple of months, don’t bother getting them a cheesy personalized gift as sort of a cute gag. Because that will be roughly the time they stop returning your calls and then you’re stuck with a crappy mug with this girl’s name on it serving as a reminder of what a hosebag you are every time you have a cup of coffee. At least that’s what I hear. My name is Bobby Badtimes, Beware my Wrath!!!
P.S. You don’t think that blueberry dude can sue me for calling him a jerk-off, do you?