The Great Philadelphia Riot of 2018

As you’ve heard if you’ve seen the national news recently, there was a massive riot in Philadelphia Sunday night. I was in the middle of it, and my God, was it HORRIFYING. To some people around me, it looked like a lot of strangers hugging, but those were actually bear hugs. Those were people trying to SQUEEZE THE LIFE OUT OF EACH OTHER.

To the layman, it looked like there were a lot of high fives on the streets. NOT SO FAST! That was actually a game they call the “knockout game”, where people try to smack a strangers hand so hard it knocks them unconscious. It happens all the time in Philadelphia!

I also saw small children in strollers being pushed by their parents. Cute, right? WRONG! I saw at least two BLOWTORCHES in strollers that the toddlers would use later to burn down some buildings (see picture above. Started by a toddler).

One of the most horrifying images from the night was this one:

The poor young man, down on his knees, BEGGING FOR MERCY. Sadly, he was not to receive it. Moments after the photo was taken, the vengeful Philadelphia woman smashed his head open with that Olde English bottle. Horrific!

There were also people climbing up poles. Terrible! A lot of people might not know this, but scientists have recently discovered that light poles can feel pain. Yes! That’s right! So those people climbing up poles were actually hurting sentient beings! Or maybe I’m thinking of lobster. Anyways, whatever, those people are animals.

And don’t even get me started on the historic Ritz Carlton awning! Put up by Benjamin Franklin himself when he first moved here in 17-whatever, and a bunch of idiots standing on it destroyed this PRICELESS ARTIFACT FROM AMERICA’S PAST.

Last night, I took this photo of the view from my bedroom window.

The fires have been burning since Sunday night, and they are expected to burn until we all die.

Yep, Philadelphia is a festering hellhole that has been taken over by animals! Believe the hype, and steer clear! Will make a little more room for the rest of us at the SUPER BOWL PARADE WE’LL BE HAVING BECAUSE THE EAGLES WON THE SUPER BOWL!!!!!!