Why Phish Sucks

Phish is reuniting in my neck of the woods. They are playing a reunion show at the Hampton Coliseum tonight, much to the joy of the LAMEST WHITE PEOPLE ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET EARTH. God, that group is unbearable. There was a period of about two years of my life where I lost all of my closest friends because they were simply incapable of discussing anything except Phish. No, I mean literally, nothing.

  • ME: Hey, did you see that game last night?
  • THEM: (Blank stare, turns to other friend in group) Dude, you remember the third set in Dayton?
  • FRIEND #3: Epic. Reminded me of their opening set in Pittsburgh. Remember when they led off with Tweezer in the Freezer and…

And so on FOR HOURS. It was no different than having every friend of yours joining a cult, except that at least cults are interesting. Well, I figured I must be missing something big, so I went to one of their shows in Charlottesville. Brutal. I mean, painfully boring. I’m pretty sure they played the same song for 3 1/2 hours. I spent one summer counting potatoes in a field, day after day, week after week, and that provided me with more stimulation than that concert did. And hey guys, what do you think about maybe injecting just a seed of rhythm and/or soul into one of your songs? Painful.

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