With today being Tonya Hardings 38th birthday (Happy Birthday T-Money!), I decided I would check out her personal website, and on it I found perhaps the most amazing thing I have ever seen. There was a section called “Fantasy” which I clicked on out of curiosity. It was even more amazing than it sounded. Apparently, Tonya had some sort of contest in 2000 to see who could come up with the best fictional sex story using her as a main character. I am not kidding. Now usually, if you are a semi famous figure and some stranger sends you a fantasy story in which they fantasize about having violent sex with you, you probably call the police, right? Not our Tonya! She declared that the psycho who wrote that story the winner of her contest. She is such a rebel! There were others that were equally unbelievable. This next piece (From Fankie) comes from a story about a guy who robbed a bank and took Tonya as a hostage: We jumped in, Tonya driving and together we tore through town, passed Carl’s Gas Station, then down a long country road with tons of money, Tonya’s t*ts bouncing‚ and the sound of a siren wailing somewhere in the distance. We took a corner hard and a hubcap spun loose, disappeared off into a ditch on my right. I’d had a lot of breaks in my life, none good. And now I had resorted to bank robbery. What a life. Maybe not perfect but then again‚ Tonya had joined me, good or bad. Perhaps my luck would change. Oh yeah, Fankie. Your luck was about to change, alright. Here’s another one, from Sam:
We must have made love for hours‚ or at least that’s what if felt like the next morning‚ when I woke up to find my self in a strange bedroom‚ lying next to this blonde with messed up hair and arms still wrapped around my waist. It was then that everything added up. As I layed there‚ kissing her forehead‚ I noticed the picutres and trophys on the walls and I realized who she was. This forty–something auto mechanic with the gorgeous eyes and the body that just didn’t quit was non other than Tonya Harding the figure skater from years before! Wow‚ what a strange twist of fate. I didn’t even watch the Olympics or care too much about figure skating and here I was‚ in bed with a legend. Wait, what? There were trophys on the walls?
These are beyond amazing. Here’s another one, from Charles: Feeling up to the challenge‚ I proceed to go into my role and give her a performance worth a gold medal. And in the background‚ the sound of the announcer calling Tonya’s name as the Gold Medal Winner. But unknown to the crowd‚ Tonya is still gliding and sliding, but it’s not on ice. She’s hoping to pull off the most satisfying performance of her life. I am impressed that Charles was using the internet 8 years ago.
It gets weirder. This one’s from John (No, not me you jerks): Then one Saturday nite Tonya and her girlfriends came over after a night on the town. They were obviously very drunk and started to tease me when they noticed I was home. They wondered why I was not either out having fun or in bed with a woman. They called me a wimp and when I complained about the noise level they jumped on me. They then pinned me down and ripped every last piece of clothing off my scrawny body. I was mortified but they were in stitches laughing at the size of my willy. Tonya was definitely the ringleader and her comments about my short d**k were the most venomous.
As an encore they then forced me to try on a tutu and to do a little ballet to entertain them. I was a complete laughing stock. They even took photos and showed them to everyone else. Now I want revenge so I think I may give the Sally Jessy show a call and report them. If only I had a nickel for every time I’d fantasized about putting on a tutu and calling the Sally Jesse Show.
This one is from Cliff: But also She’s an achiever. That’s a rare find in todays world. She has the prettiest face and beautiful blond hair. WHEW and ooohhhh that body again! I could spend a week exploring her body with my tongue….head to toe. Oh hell‚ yeah. Nothing flatters a girl like telling her your fantasies and then following that with a “Oh hell yeah!”
Then there is a section called rejected fantasies that were “rejected” for being too gross and disturbing. Except that they weren’t rejected because they are still on the website! And keep in mind, people who wrote these stories are allowed to vote for President! Alright, I need to wrap up the Alf Landon contest and start the 2nd annual Tonya Harding FIctional Writing Contest. Obviously.