Scoreboard, Brought to You By Public Enemy #1

Dunking Donuts.jpg
O’NEALS

Dorksided 94
Presentable 88
We Got Nothin’ 88
Young, Old, and Restless 68

BARDS

Sofa Kingdom 105
Hurtin’ Bombs 100
Narcotyzing Dysfunktion 98
Western Omelette 83
Dentists of Mass Destruction 65

LOCUST RENDEZVOUS

The Jams 100
Trust Us We Know 90
My Mom Says I’m Cool 78
1022 78
Kalamazoo 70

BLACK SHEEP

Duane’s World 107
WTF’s Last Stand 103
Axis of Evil Knievel 98
Chiavettas 91
This is Not a Bus 85

GOOD DOG

Oakwood Reach Around 91
Shomer Shabbas 78
Awesome Aussies 77
The Underachievers 75
Team Dysfunctional 65

BARDS

Suck It Trebeck 113
Please Leave ‘Em On 101
Italian Spiderman 95
Lewis Haynes 81
PCR 67

Rachael Ray, Part Deux

Using the same journalistic tools used by Malkin, I was able to see through Dunkin’ Donuts and Rachael Ray’s sly attempt to comfort the enemy. I think you’re gonna like this one.

Michelle Malkin Hit By Train, America Rejoices

In a rare event that brought all Americans together, Michelle Malkin was hit by a train today. The neocon commentator, who earlier this week said that Dunkin Donuts ads gave comfort to the enemy, was hit by the train only moments after this picture was taken by me.

“I asked her to move a little to the left, a little to the left, a little to the left, and next thing you know, she got hit by that train,” I said. “This has really been a tragic accident. I feel awful. Well, not awful, but I don’t feel good about causing Michelle Malkin to get hit by that fast-moving train. Well, at least I don’t feel GREAT about it.”

Malkin, who is actually an evil racist robot, suffered severe circuitry damage. “We don’t know if we can save her, after she got hit by that train,” said Malkin creator David Duke.

Ticker tape parades were being scheduled in several major cities, with Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter proclaiming, “This is a great day for America. It is nice to know that, as of today, there is one less evil racist robot in the world, thanks to that fast-moving train.”

Condolences for the racist, whiny, snivelling, squawking robot were non-existent.

Bowling for Broccoli

Hey gang, great event going on Saturday night. Some of you joined me at the bowling parties in South Philly last year and we had a blast. Well, this year there is another bowling event at the same place, with the added incentive that all of the money goes to a great charity. The Urban Nutrition Initiative, which is a university-community partnership based at Penn, tries to make inner city youth more aware of the importance of good nutrition, and helps the kids grow gardens at a number of schools in the area. For more info on the charity, click here. The event is $25, and starts at 7 p.m. on Saturday. Hope to see you there!

This Week in the Metro: The Civil War Museum

In case you missed it, I wrote my column this week on the Civil War museum, which is set to close at the July. I highly suggest checking it out before it does. This place is a hidden jewel. Philly has a lot more than Independence Hall and the Art Museum. See my visit to The Weaver School of Dentistry. Anybody know any other hidden jewel museums in the area?

Major Pet Peeve

I was just sitting here, with CNN on in the other room, and the news woman said, “Houston we have a problem…with the plumbing.” Something about the space shuttle, but who cares. The point is that “Houston we have a problem” is the hackiest, lamest cliche ever, and I see and hear it constantly. Just watch, the next time the Phils play the Astros, if we lose, the Inquirers headine will read, “Houston, We Have a Problem.” This drives me insane. I swear, people (especially newscasters and newspapers) use this line all the time and it makes me nutty. It’s not funny, it’s not original, it’s just stupid. What tv and newspaper cliches get you angry?

Trivia Event in Atlantic City

Well, details are fairly scant, and pretty much all I know about the event is from their tickets page. The basics are:
June 7, 2008
Bally’s Beach Bar
1900 Pacific Avenue
Atlantic City, NJ
Registration starts at 1:30 p.m., with game starting at 3 p.m. It should last about 3 1/2 hours. Let me know if you are interested in putting a team together and I’ll let the guy running it know how many folks are coming up from Philly. There is a $2,000 pot, but I don’t know how much goes to the winners. I think it’s $20 a pop, and teams are up to 10.

Larry Craig Bobblefoot Day

The Saint Paul Saints, a minor league baseball team I read about recently in an excellent book called Slouching Toward Fargo, had a special promotion last week in honor of National Tap Dance Day. It was bobblefoot day, a not so subtle reference to something that happened at the nearby Minneapolis airport. The team said that the it was a “tribute to all their toe-tapping friends and fans from around the nation who may ever have set foot in Minneapolis-St. Paul… even for just a change of planes.” This is not to be confused with the Larry Craig Action figure.

Great Show Tonight

Chip is gonna be on the Ministry of Secret Jokes show tonight at Fergie’s. Went to the last one. Took a little warming up to get into it, because I came in late, but it turned out to be pretty hilarious. Starts at 9 p.m. Here’s some more info courtesy of Phawker.

Tutors and Coaches Needed

Hey gang, our summer basketball league starts this weekend, and I still need coaches, referees, general helpers, etc. Also, this summer, I am helping put together a pretty intensive study program for about 10-12 of the teens in one of our leagues. I need someone who is looking (teacher, perhaps?) for a little extra scratch during the summer. Looking primnarily for English and/or Math help. 3 or 4 days a week, 2 hours a day, and pretty good pay. Please contact me if you are interested in either. Thanks!