My first date took place in 1988 (are you serious? 20 years ago? Scary.). I was to meet my date, the lovely Amy Beth Conquest, at the Dream Roller Rink (pic, below). My mom took me to Four Corners Plaza, where I got on the Dream Bus (seriously they had a red and yellow bus which took you the 15 miles from Four Corners to New Church.) While riding on the bus, some sketchy looking girl came over to me and said, “Hey, my friend wants to do you.” Being a sweet and nieve young country boy, I had no idea what she was talking about, and had never heard such an expression, so that our conversation went like this:
- Girl: Hey, my friend wants to do you.
- Me: What?
- Girl: My friend, she wants to do you.
- Me: What?
- Girl: My friend wants to do you.
- Me: What?
And so on. Now, keep in mind, in the 20 years since, I have never had another girl tell me that her friend wants to “do me”, so it looks like I blew my big chance. Anyhow, we got to the roller rink, and I found out that Amy Beth had brought along a friend (who, incidentally, did not want to do me), Susanna Fisher. Susanna and I had a sordid history, as we had almost been going steady in the 4th grade, before she decided she would rather go steady with Matt Walker (who will be at Quizzo Bowl IV, by the way) and broke my heart. But time heals all wounds and I had decided to let that go, and the three of us were having quite a nice time at the roller rink. My skating began a little shaky, but quickly started to come around, though I still was unable to stop on my own volition. After a little while, and a sweaty palmed couples skate (probably to Styx, though “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn” rings a bell), I decided to leave the ladies to their own devices and head for the game room. I put a quarter in Turbo, the only arcade game I can honestly say I was ever really good at. Well, I was absorbed by the game, and after setting a record I decided to head back out to the rink.
I started to skate, and I remember thinking to myself, “I am really becoming quite a good skater. I bet Amy Beth is rather impressed by my skill.” Suddenly, Susanna made a mad dash towards me from the other side of the rink (she was a pretty good skater), a wild, crazed look in her eyes. “Jamey,” she said (that’s what people called me then), “It’s all girls skate.” It’s hard to quantify the horror one feels as a 13 year old on his first ever date when one realizes one has committed the ultimate faux pas of skating during all-girls skate. Girls were skating by, giggling. My heart dropped to my stomach, my eyes began to fill with water. I needed to get the hell out of here, off of this confounded rink! I took off in a mad dash towards the end of the rink, convinced that everyone in the building was laughing at me. I mean, what kind of weirdo male skates during all girls skate? I had really accelerated, but keep in mind, I wasn’t much of a stopper, and I ran full speed into the fence at the end of the rink, dropping to the floor like a sack of potatoes. And that, my friends, was the beginning and the end of my relationship with Amy Beth Conquest.