Fair, balanced, and impartial: As a political correspondent, that is what I aim to be. Johnny Goodtimes has paid me thousands upon thousands of dollars for my work over the past few weeks. In return, I feel it is my duty to him, and to you, the millions of readers, to report the facts, leaving my agendas and political leanings at the door.
However, in this column, I have a little baggage to unpack; a package, if you will. But for some reason, I cannot let go of that package.
That package belongs to Mitt Romney.
Here, over a week after Romney bowed out of the politial race, I sit here alone, with my laptop, a half-empty bottle of vodka, and, for some reason, a 1998 Third Rock from the Sun page-a-day calendar, and I lament the next four years that could have been. We missed the boat on this one, voters.
Full Disclosure: I am a Mitthead. Although it has become clear that the vast majority of voters disagree with me, Mitt Romney had a clear vision for this country. Unfortunately, his message was not conveyed properly. Romney had some incredible ideas and plans for this nation that the public heard very little about- until now. Although it may be too late for the former governor, I have laid out ten of Mitt Romney’s platforms that he woulda, shoulda, coulda implemented as Commander in Chief.
1. Combating Nuclear Terrorism: Romney wanted to send a firm message to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in Iran that his scare tactics would not stand. He planned major economic sanctions for Iran and aimed to isolate it diplomatically until it ceased its nuclear arms program.
2. Ending Energy Dependence: “For too long, America has been entangled with and dependent on foreign supplies of oil,” Romney states. He would have sought out any possible way to become self-sufficient in energy resources.
3. Free Pizza Wednesdays: Not only did Romney, or “Uncle Mittsy”, as he is known by his closest friends, want to offer tax breaks, he wanted to give back a bit more. Had he been elected, each citizen would have been entitled to a free medium-sized pizza each Wenesday during the first two years of his term. “And none of that Papa John’s s***, either; the good stuff!” (Two toppings per pie maximum, please!)
4. Leon Redbone Playing the Innaugural Ball: Kinda creepy, but the man did compose the two greatest songs of our generation (the theme to ‘Mr. Belvedere’ and the A-L-L laundry detergent jingle.) Oh, and during his performance, Donnie and Marie would make out in a cage.
5. Free Vacations for Homosexuals: President Romney would have offered a one-time only, ALL EXPENSE PAID TRIP to an island exclusively for homosexual Americans, called “Guantanamo Gay”. “Once they get there,” boasts Romney, “I’ll bet they’d never come back. Ever.”
6. The Patriot, Hacked: If Romney went on to become Commander in Chief, the first order of business would have been to send the CIA in to find New England quarterback Tom Brady and cut both of his Achilles tendons. “F#%k him- he didn’t go to BYU”. Romney continued: “It would have been the most pain inflicted upon a Brady since Bobby fell out of Peter’s treehouse that time, and was then afraid of heights, so the rest of the Bradys banded together to try to rid him of this fear, going to absurdly great lengths such as purchasing a trampoline, all in vain, until Bobby’s parakeet, which he named “Pretty Boy” (Guantanamo Gay, Bobby?) got out of its cage, and Bobby, so focussed on saving the bird, forgot his own fears and climbed up a huge tree to retrieve the parakeet.”
Wow. Mitt knows his Brady Bunch episodes.
7. US Territory Nickels: Yes, I get it- state quarters rule- they are the best collectors item since Garbage Pail Kids. But Romney wanted to take the national frenzy over coins with locations stamped on them to the next level. I mean, what guy wouldn’t be the bee’s knees if he was walking around with a roll of Puerto Rico nickels in the front pocket of his cut-off denim shorts?
8. The Great Clown Holocaust of 2011: I would have voted for him on this platform alone.
9. Putting the N-Word on Postage Stamps: “Now that it’s dead, we can do that,” explains Romney. Sending Christmas cards to your black neighbors has never been so awkward.
10. New National Anthem: “The Star Spangled Banner” would be officially replaced with “Linus and Lucy”, aka The Charlie Brown theme. Romney insisted there were two benefits to this change: “First, no one has to remember the lyrics, and second, everyone would feel good to be an American again.” The official version would have been recorded by Ben Folds.
So, to you, America at large: Go vote for your Hillaries, Johns, or Obaman (that’s the plural form, like ‘oxen’, or “geese”). But when this country goes to hell in a handbasket (and trust me, it will) and you are walking around without an American Samoan nickel in your pocket, hungry for some pizza, with gays and clowns running amok, do me a favor: find yourself a non-racist postage stamp, and mail me a letter of apology.
For more Mittunderstanding, go to my website:
Actually, don’t go to that website. I took it down. You don’t deserve it. I weep for you, America.
President, Mitt Romney. Best In Governing (MR.BIG) Foundation