Chip Chantry Interviews Dennis Kucinich

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Here is the latest from JGT political correspondent Chip Chantry, an interview he recently had with Dennis Kucinich. Chip will be performing tonight, Friday night, and Saturday night at Helium Comedy Club this weekend. If you missed Chip’s first interview, Mike Huckabee, click here. This is funny stuff. Enjoy.

Think of your favorite band: That really cool indie band that no one knows about but you and the guy with the faded Depeche Mode Tshirt who works at the shady record store in town that smells like weed and vinyl…yeah, that’s the one. This is the greatest band in the world- their music moves you. They have a style that is so unique, that no radio station, television network, or major record label even knows what to do with it. This band is way too f****** cool to ever make it big. And you like it that way. Because it’s your band- no one else’s.

When it comes to U.S. politics, Dennis Kucinich is that band. He’s way too f****** cool to ever be president. And in this reporter’s opinion, he likes it that way.

It took a lot hard work to get some face time with Mr. Kucinich, or “D-Train” as he’s known in his inner-circle of friends and followers. I couldn’t go through the standard channels to find him either. Luckily, I knew a guy who knew a guy who used to play French Horn for the Polyphonic Spree, who had his wife’s cell phone number. But in the end, it was worth every second. I only had about five minutes with D-Train, whom I met around 3 a.m. at a bonfire on the beach behind a condemned amusement park in Santa Monica, CA.

Kucinich could sense that I felt out of place at this bonfire that looked more like a goth-orgy than a campaign rally. So he grabbed me a veggie burrito and red Solo cup full of absinthe and took me for a walk down the beach.
Dennis Kucinich- Do you feel that breeze off the ocean? That’s the earth breathing, man.

Chip Chantry- So why do you want to be president?

DK- (Takes a drag of a hand-rolled cigarette, possibly not tobacco) The p***y, man.

CC- Excuse me?

DK- The p***y is what drives this species. The old lady wanted me to run. What can I say, brother? I’m a hound.

CC- Your wife is very beautiful, but

DK- She’s magic. She’s like a mountain. A mountain with a eagle on top of it. And the eagle has a mouse in it’s beak. He’s not going to kill the mouse, man. He just wanted the mouse to see what it’s like- what it’s like– on the top of the mountain.

CC- That’s what your wife is like?

DK- What?

CC- What?

DK- (Offers me his cigarette): You want some?

CC- Thank you, no.

(There is a silence for the next few minutes, as we both look out over the ocean.)

CC- I’d like to ask you about your universal healthcare ref-

DK- Nah, nah- issues, man. Issues. Issues. Is use. Is use. Isssss—ussse… That’s all they are- isssss-usse. NONE OF IT! (He winces, stands up, and takes a deep breath.) Let me tell you a story: Two months ago, I was hanging out here after a Killers concert with Kiefer Sutherland and the dude from Entourage- you know, the one who looks like a chick. Kiefer was naked and had a gun. The kid from Entourage was passed out in the sand. Kiefer stepped over him, walked over and with a smirk, put the gun to my head. “What do you see?” he asked me. “It’s not what I see,” I said. “It’s what I feel that matters.” Kiefer pulled the trigger, it clicked, and we both laughed. THAT is how this country should be run.

CC- Who would you pick as your vice president, given the choice?

DK- I want the vice president to be like a puma, or a jaguar- sleek, smooth, graceful, but not afraid to attack.

CC- So, someone like Joe Biden from Delaware?

DK- What? No- like an actual puma, or a jaguar.

CC- Who are your heroes?

DK- Ghandi, Pam Dawber, and black people with British accents.

CC- What is your biggest-
DK- Have you heard about my plan to blast welfare mothers into space?

CC- What?

DK- Nothing.

(D-Train’s wife, Elizabeth walks up to us, wearing a long, flowing robe. She offers Dennis something in a glass. He drinks it down.)

Elizabeth- I’m going to make love to my husband now. Would you like to join us?

CC- I should really be going.

DK- You sure man? Come with us.

CC- Thanks, but no. I really appreciate your time.

DK- Hey, remember this: Those waves are crashing. But nothing’s broken. NOTHING IS BROKEN!!

As I sobered up, and wandered back to my motel, all I could hear were screams of passion coming from the beach. Dennis Kucinich will never be President of the United States. He doesn’t need to be; he’s King of the World.

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