Alright, it’s time to vote on the best worst sequel ideas that were turned in to me a few weeks ago in our best worst sequels contest. I have posted the ones that I liked the most below, after the jump. Of course, you had to provide an email address to be nominated, b/c I have to know how to get in touch with you if you win. Unfortunately, that eliminated several good ones, including Jaws vs. Rocky. Then some of them were just crappy. Here is the poll, but before you vote, be sure to read after the jump, because I was also asking for at least a short synopsis, and for some of them yu have to read the write up to get the joke (particularly Much Ado About Nothing and Electrocting an Elephant). Winner gets a $20 gift certificate to the Bards and 2 IMAX passes.
Juwanna Mann 2: More Mann Than Ever.
After being discovered playing in the WNBA in Juwanna Mann a.k.a. Jamal Jefferies find him/herself out of work again. this time Jefferies decides to go drag again as a female gymnast only to find out that the Eastern European girls have bigger cajones than he does.
32 Candles (Sixteen Candles 2).
Sam realizes the shallow bo-hunk she married is as relevant to her life as that too-tight members-only jacket he insists on wearing. She sees her life come full circle when her 14 year old daughter’s dream of fame is realized when she is chosen as a finalist in a nationwide search to be the new “face” of the Gardasil vaccine.
The Green Kilometer
Micheal Clark Duncan and Tom Hanks return in the continuing story of a prison guard and a giant black man who loves the metric system. With Mario Van Peebles as Mr. Jingles
Lambada 2- The Dance That’s Been Legal Since 2006.
The Lambada, the once forbidden, but now legal dance takes center stage as THE dance of choice for Americans. Billy (played by Gerardo – with an R, not an L) falls for his family servant (played by Vanilla Ice). Yeah. It’s a gay movie too. This film has everything for the whole family. Lambada is everywhere. From church halls to high school gyms to Arby’s dining rooms. It’s Lambada, all-day (and of course, ALL NIGHT, heh heh heh). The movie (widely thought to be a thinly veiled metaphor for the legalization of drugs) will break all records held by other movies centering around once-forbidden dances (i.e., “Krush Groovin”).
Cocoon III: Cocoon in Cancun
Guttenberg limbos. Brimley hates Mexicans. There is probably a pinata involved.
FERRIS BUELLER’S COMP TIME – Now firmly ensconced in his 40s, Ferris is now a working stiff who, like Peter Pan in “Hook,” has forgotten what it’s like to actually take a day off and enjoy life. So with the help of the neurotic and debt-ridden Cameron, Ferris uses his accumulated Comp Time and the two head out and, high on coke, and rob banks ala Butch and Sundance.
Much Ado About Nothing 2: Holocaust Shmolocaust
Directed by Mel Gibson
Snakes On a Dirigible.
“I have had it with these mother****ing snakes on this mother****ing blimp!”
Pay it Backward:
In a fit of otherworldly revenge for being stabbed to death at the end of Pay It Forward, Zombie Haley Joel Osment returns from the grave, performing bad acts against three people and encouraging them to do the same. A nation-wide “pay it backward” movement begins, until the ultimate goal is reached: horrible retribution against those responsible for “Pay it Forward.”
Electrocuting An Elephant 2: Electric Boogaloo (because every sequel should be called Electric Boogaloo).
This is the sequel to the infamous 1903 film made by Thomas Edison in which we see Topsy the elephant being electrocuted as a way for Edison to prove that his DC power was more effective and less dangerous than AC power. This movie would actually be a prequel as the original film only shows Topsy being executed and doesn’t get into the backstory. Topsy was a member of the Forepaugh Circus at Coney Island’s Luna Park led by entrepreneur, businessman and circus owner Adam Forepaugh (played by Steve Odabashian) and had killed three men in three years including an abusive trainer who tried to feed her a lit cigarette (played by Darth Ern).
After these deaths, Topsy was deemed a threat to people by her owners and was sentenced to death. Johnny Goodtimes would play the lovable carnie and stable boy who was charged with caring and cleaning Topsy in the weeks leading up to her death. Originally, Topsy was sentenced to be hanged, but the ASPCA protested and refused to allow it. The head of the ASPCA who crusaded for the more humane death of Topsy would be played by Edward Norton. Eventually, Thomas Edison (played by Jason Robards, who luckily for us, already filmed his scenes before his death in 2000), steps in and recommends electrocution. This thing ends sadder than Old Yeller as Johnny the stable boy is forced to feed Topsy cyanide laced carrots in order to reinforce the execution. Just as Topsy is set to be executed, we see Edison throw the switch and then the screen immediately cuts to black.