64 competitors and dozens of their fans filled Whiskey Dix to participate in the 2nd annual PBR Keystone Classic on Saturday night, and they weren’t disappointed. Well, they were a little disappointed at first, when Johnny screwed up his opening rap. “I think this is a sign that I’m too old for the rap game,” said a distraught Goodtimes afterwards. “I’m hanging it up.” It would be the 2nd retirement of the year for Goodtimes, who retired from American RPS play after winning the city title in June.
But this event wasn’t just about Goodtimes, despite what he would have you believe. It was about competition, about Philadelphia’s fittest and finest competing for glory and cash. There were competitors from all over the globe. Those who had sacrificed the most to be there were the Jerseyites, who had given up a Saturday night in Old City for a chance at greatness.
The first two rounds moved quickly, and both Johnny’s arch nemesis, the Midnight Rider, and Johnny’s ex-girlfriend, Elvira, advanced easily (pictured below; they were both, fittingly, dressed in black). Some of the early favorites, Paper Tiger and Frankie Knuckles, were dispatched in the early rounds.
In the Sweet 16, Johnny had to interview the contestants. The Midnight Rider let the crowd know that his hometown was “parts unknown”, and that he was representing “both hell and death”. Johnny’s interview with Elvira went as follows:
JGT: What’s your name?
Ex: Elvira.
JGT: Where ya from?
Ex: Philly.
JGT: So why’d you break up with me?
No answer was provided, but she had all the answers in her next match, winning easily. That set up a match between her and the Midnight Rider. It was a tense test of wits, going the full three games. But the Rider reached deep into his bag of tricks and pulled out a pair of scissors, thus dispatching Elvira, who better not have a new boyfriend or I will be totally pissed.
The Rider’s luck (oops, I mean strategy) ran out soon enough, however, when he faced a machine known as Nick the Greek, who knocked off the Rider in the Final Four. Meanwhile, the other side of the bracket was being dominated by Most Definitely Megan, who acquired her nickname by answering every question I asked with the same answer.
JGT: Megan, did you think you had a chance when you got here tonight to go this far?
Meg: Most definitely.
JGT: Do you think you have what it takes to go all the way here tonight?
Meg: Most definitely.
And so on. Well, she was most definitely kicking ass, as she cruised into the finals by beating Kross of Kris Kross. (Or maybe it was Kris.) In the finals, she took on Nick the Greek, who was booed mercilessly on stage. The Whiskey Dix faithful had apparently not forgiven the Greeks for that nasty little trick they pulled on the unsuspecting citizens of Troy. Well, Megan most definitely had the crowd in her corner, and she made short work of the Greek. Johnny then asked her what she planned to do with her winnings ($850). “I don’t know. Maybe pay some bills.” JGT remarked that that was the most boring answer he had ever heard, then asked, “Well, do you think that you’ll be spending some of that money to party like a rock star tonight?”
She answered quickly, with the swagger of a champion. “Most definitely.”