Well, after careful consideration, I have decided on what I think are the worst love songs of all time. I expect there to be debate in the comments section. Also, be sure to vote in the new poll (right side of page). Here they are:
1. My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion. There is really no question that this is the worst love song ever. I don’t ever have suicidal tendencies, but when Celine hits that high note late in the song, I start to stare longingly at my Ginsu knives.
2. Muskrat Love by Captain and Tenille. The sound of muskrats, uh, loving, by means of a synthesizer midway thru the song, ended the “Age of the Synthesizer”. I mean really, when was the last time you heard a song with a synthesizer breakdown? Not since Captain and Tennille used it to simulate rodents f******.
3. You’re Having My Baby by Paul Anka. “You’re having my Baby. What a wonderful way to show me that you love me.” Listen, if there are any women out there who love me, please Do NOT show me by having my baby.
4. There’ll Be Sad Songs by Billy Ocean. It was such an emotional roller coaster with Billy. First he comes out with Caribbean Queen, and I’m like, “This guy rocks.” Then he comes out with “There’ll Be Sad Songs”, and I’m like, “This guy sucks”. Then he comes out with “Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car,” and I’m like, “Damn, if we were like the Greeks and had gods for everything, he would be the God of Kicking Ass and Getting Laid.”
5. I Will Be Right Here Waiting For You by Richard Marx. If wherever I go, whatever I do, Richard Marx is right there waiting for me, I’m calling the cops.
6. Broken Wings by Mr. Mister. Hmmm, more of a “let’s get back together” song than a love song, I suppose, but it’s soft and slow and is just so f****** awful I needed to add it to the list. “And when we hear the voices sing, The book of love will open up, And let us in.” REMAIN CLOSED, Book of Love! Listen to me! You must remain closed!
7. Teen Angel by Mark Dinning. This song is so awesomely bad that it’s actually kind of good. See, the teen lovers car stalls on a railroad track. Fortunately, they are ok. Great, a happy ending, right? Not so fast. Suddenly the girl completely loses her freaking mind and heads back to the car as a train is coming. She climbs inside the car and THWACK, next thing you know her brains are splattered all over the tracks (that’s a bit of an embellishment by me, not really found in the song, but come on, she got hit by a freaking train!) So now he sings to her in heaven. Amazing.
8. I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight by the Cutting Crew. What can you say about the Cutting Crew that hasn’t already been said? After all, “They suck” has already been said thousands of times.
9. I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That) by Meatloaf. OK, I give up. What WON’T Meatloaf do for love?
10. The Glory of Love by Peter Cetera. Any glory that came with love was destroyed by Peter Cetera. “Just like a knight in shining armor, from a long time ago”. As opposed to one of the more contemporary knights in shining armor.