After his provocative, in depth look at Ron Paul, I had no choice but to make Chip Chantry my official political correspondent. Chip is not only a terrific comedian (he will be performing December 5-8 at Helium) he also has a lot of experience in politics, having once run for Class Treasurer in the 6th Grade. (He lost in a landslide.) Anyways, he will be doing interviews with several of the candidates for President. He begins with Mike Huckabee.
“And let me tell you something about that WOP Giuliani,” MIke Huckabee whispered with a defiant grin, “If he thought he had a bad September ’01, wait till he sees what The Huck has in store for him in December ’07.”
That’s what immediately endeared me to Mike Huckabee: his spunk. This governor of Alabama has shed many pounds over the years, but he has not lost an ounce of grit.
During a campaign stop in Duluth, MN last week, I had the privilege of spending the afternoon with an individual posturing to become the most powerful man in the world; an unlikely profession for such an unassuming, yet captivating southern gentleman. As we briskly walked hand-in-hand along the banks of Lake Superior, Mike Huckabee invited me into his America: an America of truth, justice, and unorthodox surgical procedures.
CHIP CHANTRY– First of all, why Lake Superior?
MIKE HUCKABEE– I like things big, young man. BOLD. Do you think any self respecting candidate would be caught dead along Lake Huron, that piece of crap pond? Do you know who likes Lake Huron, Chip? Gays and Asians.
CC– Point taken. Let’s get down to brass tacks. What’s the first thing Mike Huckabee would change about America if he got elected?
MH– We need to trim the fat from this government. I lost 100 pounds. I know about cutting out the excess.
CC– For example?
MH– I’m a big supporter of Home Schooling- less students we have to educate. And, I mean, those kids are nerds anyway. But let’s not stop with Home Schooling. What about Home Healthcare? Home Gun Control? Home Social Security? If we put the onus on each household, less bureaucrats! I lost 100 pounds.
CC– Congratulations. You look great.
MH– And here is something you may not know about the Mike Huckabee. I was the first man in North America to undergo a hysterectomy, or as I like to call it, a Hucksterectomy. (He shows me his scar, then his eyes light up.) Eat your vitamins and say your prayers, because Huckamania is running wild!
CC– Was a hysterectomy actually neccessary?
MH– My body is like the federal government; you don’t truly know if there is a problem until you get in there and root around a while. And let me tell you one thing you won’t find in my abdomen- 100 extra pounds. I ran a marathon. (He attempts to high five me.)
CC– Let’s talk border security. You seem to be very firm in your opin–
MH– Let me tell you something- I spent a month in Tijuana back in ’03. Tijuana is like a dirty carnival. A dirty, filthy carnival with no rides. And it doesn’t travel. Tijuana just stays there- on it’s OWN side of the border. That’s the lesson that those—what’s the proper term for ‘wetbacks’?
CC– Mexicans?
MH– Yeah, Mexicans. They should stay on their side of the border.
CC– In… the.. dirty carnival.
MH– Dirty FILTHY carnival. (He winks.)
CC– You seemed to have accomplished a great deal as Governor of Alabama. But the United States is a much larger playing field. How would you go about executing your plans?
MH– I can get things done. I lost 100 pounds. Hell, I can get things done right now if you want. (He brandishes his cell phone in the air). What’s your least favorite month of the year?
CC– Uh, March, I guess. It’s cold and rainy.
MH– Done. (He texts someone, or at least appears to do so.) No more March: January, February, APRIL.
CC– There’s no way you can do that.
MH Oh, really? (Reaching into his pocket, he pulls out a handful of glitter and throws it into the air. The tiny bits twinkle as they fall all around us. He continues, with a reassuring grin) in Mike Huckabee’s America, EVERYONE dances with the stars. (He stops, lifts up his arms, spins around twice, and then continues walking.)
CC– Let me ask you, Mr. Governor. Have you learned any lessons along the campaign trail?
MH– Absolutely. Some lessons are learned at a higher price than others. For example, in June, I learned that the word “cunt” is an ugly word, even if it is used in a PowerPoint presentation.
CC– If you are the Republican nominee, what democrat do you predict will run against you?
MH– You can refer to my last answer for that one (attempts another high five).
As our walk came to a close, Governor Huckabee became more pensive. He told me stories about his days in Alabama; about how he used to feed the homeless, and how he taught local prostitutes how to use Quicken software. He even came close to tears at one point. A young boy was up ahead, sitting on the pier overlooking the water of the largest Great Lake. Mike approached the young boy, noticing him playing with a Dora the Explorer doll. He reached down and picked up the doll out of the mystified boy’s arms. He glanced at the doll, then at the boy, smiled, and tossed Dora into the frigid water below. “Dolls are for girls, you little fairy.”
When we arrived back to his bus, and said our good-byes, I asked him one last question regarding his faith. He replied by saying the following:
“Jesus is coming back. Until then, Mike Huckabee is the HNIC.”
Christ Almighty.
Note: In the efforts of not getting sued, I would like to point out that the above interview is satire. Except for the part where Huckabee pulled out the glitter and said that “In Mike Huckabee’s America, EVERYONE dances with the stars.” That part is totally real.