Johnny Goodtimes received a death threat a few days ago, and the Johnny Goodstapo was immediately called into action. “It was a friendly letter,” said Johnny, “But then at one point the writer said ‘they could tell me, but they’d have to kill me’. I think it was a throwaway comment, based on something Tom Cruise said in the 1985 box office sensation Top Gun. But in these troubled times, you can really never be too cautious.” Things got worse a couple of days later. “I got another letter, this one apologizing for the remark, but letting me know that ‘this is the way South Philly girls roll.’ Needless to say, I called the Johnny Goodstapo on the double.” Baron von Weinerschnitzel (below) has been head of the Goodstapo since 1922. “This isn’t the first time this has happened. You’ve got to remember, Johnny is an international mega-star, so these things are bound to occur. But ever since Johnny got his ass handed to him by that broad at the aquarium, we’ve had to be even more vigilant.”
