Monthly Archives: May 2006

We came flying in on two wheels into the Kitchen Kettle Village parking lot in Intercourse, careful not to let our cherished pie (The Rhubarb Banana Blueberry Supreme) fall in the car floor, then hopped out and ran into KKV. Judging for the Rhubarb Pie Bake Off was scheduled for 10:15 a.m., and it was already 10:20. “You must be the fellows from Philadelphia,” said an attractive lady in a giant pink hat. My butterfly shirt and the fact that we were the only people there under the age of 50 apparently gave us away. “Indeed,” I said, handing her my pie.

Ken had worked hard Wednesday night to make the ingredients, and I had spent my Thursday afternoon baking. It was an amateur production at best. I had never baked before, so I didn’t know what to roll the dough on. A newspaper? The bare table? Finally I put two cutting boards together and rolled it on them. I didn’t have a dough roller, so I used a large can of pineapple juice to roll the dough. I had no idea what I was doing, but when I pulled the pie out of the oven, it wasn’t completely burnt, so I figured that was a good sign.

The judging began shortly after we arrived. The judge for pies (there were also competitions for best rhubarb cake and best miscellaneous rhubarb dessert) was a lady named Holly Palacious (above) who worked at a nearby Tea Room. She looked very serious as she began her tasting, and seemed remarkably focused. She tasted the first few pies and got to ours. I began to get nervous. For all I knew, they were going to cut the pie and it was going to deflate like the turkey in National Lampoon’s X-Mas Vacation. They began cutting. I held my breath. No deflating, but the cute lady in the pink hat was having a hard time cutting through the crust. She got a bigger knife. The bigger knife worked and they took out a small piece. Holly tried it. She didn’t spit it out or even wince. In fact, she decided to have a second bite! Awesome! I looked at a nearby scoresheet to see how the pies were judged. Oh, crap, appearance counted! The other pies looked like they were posing for the cover of Martha Stewart Living, while ours looked like it had just come out of the EZ Bake oven. We were screwed!

Continue reading →

A team known as the Sweet Peppers won a privately held quizzo at the Boathouse for Pepper Hamillton LLP on Thursday night then formed what Johnny called, “the most perfect single file line ever. I mean, they are equidistant apart, each turned at exactly the same angle. I’ve been doing this a long time, and I have never seen a line like that one.” Johnny denied that he thought a member of an opposing team was cute, and that he grooved a Beverly Hills 90210 question in round one for her. “That is patently untrue, and I am sickened by the accusations. If I hear anyone else make accusations like those, they will be hearing from my lawyers…and my lawyers make perfect single file lines.”

Gonna have a bunch of stuff to write about when I return to the office on Monday. The trip to Intercourse was legendary, as you might suspect. Then, on Sunday, I’m hitting all the hot spots in Camden. I’ll have exciting write ups on both endeavors on Monday. The above guys, by the way, were totally jamming at the Rhubarb Festival.

A text message has been received from Intercourse PA.
Johnny Goodtimes and co-baker Ken have received a 22 for their pie, the winner received a 26. The judge told them that their pie was “very creative.” Johnny also said, “I think I’ve got baker’s high.”

The night air is still. The pie cools in a nearby refridgerator. In a few hours we will find out once and for all whether Ken and I will pull off the greatest upset in pie baking since the Sioux City Shocker at the ’84 Berry Jamboree. Like I said before, I’ll try to post something from there, but the odds of a cyber cafe in Intercourse are about the same as me winning the pie baking contest, so you’ll probably have to wait until at least Saturday. Speaking of Saturday, remember that I’ll be emceeing at the ComedySportz Improv at the Adrienne. Shows are at 7:30 and 10 p.m., and it is BYOB. If you are looking for something to do today, my mom just joined Myspace and she needs some new friends, so hook it up. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a bake off to win.

The ladies above are from a team called Wire-tap that Ass tha played last night at the Bards. Once they found out that I was a baker, well, they simply couldn’t keep their hands off me.

It was last year this time that my buddy Ken and I headed out to Intercourse and found ourselves in the midst of the Rhubarb festival in what ended up being a legendary road trip. So this year, we are gonna return. And this year, there is an added attraction: We have decided to enter the Great Rhubarb Pie Bake Off! We were discussing it yesterday, though I was obviously kind of joking when I brought it up, considering I have never baked a pie in my life. Then this morning I got a voicemail from Ken, saying that he had made a crust and a pie filling the night before, and that all I had to do was to bake it. He’s just that insane. So I went and picked it up, and am now preparing to bake my first ever pie. I’m sure it’s going to go just great. We gotta head out first thing tomorrow morning, so heaven knows when I’ll be posting again, but rest assured, when I do, I should have a legendary tale to tell. I’ll bring my laptop with me manana, but I think the odds of a wireless cafe in Intercourse are fairly slim. Feel free to post below the odds of me and Ken winning the 23rd annual Rhubarb pie bake off. Also, post below any baking tips you have. Again, I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing here.

Philebrity, which usually tells you where you can go to find all the gals with striped knee socks and the guys who wish they were gay but aren’t, tells a juicy story this morning about our good friends over at Philadelphia Magazine. It seems that Philly Mag posted a report about questionable sanitation in Stephen Starr restaurants on their website (though they did not author said report). Well, as everybody knows, Stephen Starr spends more money in advertising in Philly Mag per month than you spent on your entire house. And the next thing you know, our friends over at Philly Mag are yanking the report off their website and claiming the whole thing was a big misunderstanding. All things being equal, they could catch a 6 foot mutant cockroach at Morimoto and I would still eat there. Damn, that s*** is good.
Related: Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.

Johnny Goodtimes, who was told to “sack up” after discussing Grey’s Anatomy, began his day Wednesday discussing the Suns-Clippers series in an attempt to seem like less of a sissy boy. “Do you remember when we had Raja Bell on the Sixers, and he pretty much totally sucked?” said Goodtimes, trying to make it seem like he’s “one of the boys”. “Well, he has become the breakout star of this year’s playoffs, going mano a mano with Kobe Bryant and shutting him down in round one, then scoring a ton of points against the Clippers, and then last night hitting an incredible three with one second left to send the game into double overtime. The Suns won in what has become a remarkably entertaining series, and now lead 3-2.” Goodtimes then burped like a real man. “Just like everybody else, I have completely ignored the last few years of the NBA, as it became such a boring, watered down game. But these playoffs have captured my attention. The emergence of Lebron, the entertaining play of Steve Nash, the fact that the Clippers are still alive.” At this point, Johnny slapped one of his male friends on the ass, in a very mannish, yet at the same time, very ungay manner.

Yeah, the two night season finale of Grey’s Anatomy was pretty intense, although by the time it was done I was ready for a little break from the show, though a 4 month break might be a little much. The whole thing got a little too out of control and melodramatic by the end, but overall, I was pretty pleased. I had read that one cast member was going to be leaving at the end of the season, but I had Alex pegged as the one to go. I thought he would have a major showdown with Addison, but it looks like Izzie is the one to leave. Just as well. She was kind of hot, but she was a complete psycho. Wonder if they’ll keep her on the show. I think the fact that Dr. Webber and Meredith’s mom had an affair years ago is by far the stupidest storyline currently going, and would be much better suited for a 1 p.m. soap opera than on a show that’s actually otherwise really good. Well, the long offseason will give me time to watch season one, which I still haven’t seen.

Yo peeps, I got a ton of free stuff to give away this week. I got comedysportz tix (see below) and I have tickets to go see Badfish. Now, if you were like me Sublime was one of those bands that helped provide the soundtrack to your life throughout college. Sadly, not many people got to see them live b/c the lead singer died of a drug overdose just as the band was starting to take off. But at the Troc on May 25th, you’ll get a chance to chance to enjoy their music live, as Badfish performs.
Related: Check out Badfish on Myspace.

Hey gang, I’m gonna be playing the all-important role of Mr. Voice at ComedySportz on Saturday night. Comedysportz is a group of improv comics who really put on a great show at the Adrienne (2030 Sansom). If you haven’t seen one of their performances, this Saturday will be a terrible opportunity to see them for the first time, b/c I will probably totally screw up the show. But you should go nonetheless, b/c at least it will give you a great chance to mock me. And to make sure that at least some of you go, I’m gonna be giving away a bunch of tix at this week’s quizzo. There will be two shows, one at 7:30 p.m. and one at 10 p.m. Just friggin’ go already.

Alright, I’m gonna steal my question of the week from last night’s quizzo. John K. asked a question nobody got the right answer to, so I figured it would be hard enough to make the question of the week. I know what you’re thinking, “Johnny, what are the ethical implications of outright stealing a question from another quizmaster?” And I will answer that, if I learned anything from last night’s season finale of Grey’s Anatomy (more on that later), it’s that ethics must be compromised sometimes for love. I’m actually not sure how that ties in to this, but nonetheless, here goes, “What is the other official name of India?” I am not looking for Hindustan, which it is sometimes called, but is not an official name.

I’d like to vote in today’s primaries, but I can’t. I’m registered Independant, so I’m not allowed to have a say in who runs for a variety of offices. To vote today, a person has to be signed on to one of the two bulls*** parties that are either a) brimming with spiteful ideas or b) incapable of forming an idea. I don’t want to pledge my support to either of these two parties, but I guess I’ll have to if I want to if I wanna be able to vote in any primaries. I mean, I understand why you have to be registered in the party to vote in primaries (otherwise Republicans would come out en masse to vote for weak Dem candidates, and vice versa), but it seems like there should be another option. I really don’t want to align myself with the ineffectual Democrats, and the day I register as a Republican is the day I want somebody to show up at quizzo with a gun and take me out of my misery.