April | 2004 | Johnny Goodtimes

Monthly Archives: April 2004

Hell Freezes Over!

Posted on April 2, 2004 by Johnny Goodtimes| Comments Off

Satan, sensing a chill, shot up from bed on Wednesday night and ran to his window. “When I saw snow falling,” said the King of the Underworld, “I knew that somehow, the Nation of Quizlam had avoided choking in Quizzo.” The Nation of Quizlam has always been expected to choke in the fourth round. But this week they avoided a meltdown and won handily, and Beelzebub was left out in the cold. “PGW better not start thinking they can bend me over a counter like they do Johnny Goodtimes when it’s freezing in Philly. I’m Satan, b****!”
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Popemobile Towed!

Posted on April 1, 2004 by Arthur| Comments Off

The Pope was shocked earlier today when he prepared to climb into the popemobile for a late afternoon cruise-only to discover that it had been towed! Apparently, he had left the 1998 Land Rover with the bulletproof glass in the back in a 2 hour parking space, and did not return for almost 2 hours and 45 minutes.

Pope spokesman Marco “Booger” Constantine was not pleased. “Come on, I could see towing the popemobile if he had blocked a driveway or something, but this is ridiculous. I mean the man relays messages from God to billions of people, and he can’t get a little leeway from the parking commission?”

“Absolutely not,” said Vatican City Parking Commission Chairman Michelangelo “Dusty” Ravioli. “To be honest with you, we’re a little sick of the Pope’s holier than-though-attitude when it comes to parking privileges. Did you know that he owes over $2,000 dollars in fines? Who does he think he is, Angel Ortiz?”

Constantine reported that the Pope would have no choice but to cruise Vatican City in his 1989 Ford Festiva L. “It’s not the best thing going, but it does get great gas mileage as well as FM radio. The front end has a little dent from where we had an incident at the post office a few years back, but other than that she’s in pretty decent shape.”