Monthly Archives: April 2004

Thursday was a big day for Mr. Goodtimes, as he visited the Mayan ruins of Tulum and Coba. But headlines were made before he departed, as he announced at an impromptu press conference in his hotel room (attended by no one) that he was giving up on Mexican women. While Johnny refused to announce any reasons behind this decision, most believed it was a decision made out of sheer frustration, as it seemed that most Mexican cuties weren’t real interested in a gringo with a wealth of useless trivia knowledge. While Johnny did concede that he hadn’t been having a lot of luck with the Mexican ladies, he refused to blame himself, instead pointing the finger at a number of other factors, including the language barrier, Hernan Cortes, and Vicente Fox. At the ruins, he climbed to the top of a 12 story pyramid at Coba, and in a sheer display of savagery, threw a family of four off the top.

After overdosing on tequila on Sunday, Johnny was rescued by a sea lion, who gave him life saving CPR. The sea lion, named Daisy, saw the prone Goodtimes on the side of the street in Mexico, and immediately rushed to his aid. Critics were skeptical. “Come on,” said Juan Carlos Tortilla. “We all know that Goodtimes has had absolutely no success hooking up with Mexican girls since he got here. So when he saw this sea lion walking down the street, he realized it was probably his best chance of getting a kiss while on vacation.” Johnny responded, “That’s entirely probably not true.”

In other news: Two days until showtime. There is a big cruise coming here on Wednesday and there’s going to be a packed house. So they want to have the new sea lion show done by then. That means I will need to have written the script and the trainers will have to have memorized their lines in 8 days. I really don’t know if it is possible, but I guess we’re going to try. Also, these 2 for 1 marguarita deals rule.

It?s been hard to find anything to complain about here, but you all know me. I?ll find something. And I?m not even kidding about the pizza. But the Mexican food is great. The staff at the facility is amazing. They do like a 20 minute sea lion show, and my rewrite is pretty damn funny, if I do say so myself.

Now I know what you?re all thinking. You?re thinking that I?m spending my time taking advantage of the free chips and salsa at the local cantinas, getting really drunk every night, and getting shot down by beautiful women. But that?s simply not true. Most of the women that shoot me down aren?t even that attractive. Speaking of ugly, Tuesday night sure was. I went out with some of the guys I work with, and grabbed some tacos. I also learned that beer is supposed to be drunk with salt, so I?ve been doing that lately. Because I?m a local. Now as you all know, drinking tequila makes you smarter. So that?s why I found myself climbing a narrow stairwell to the top of the clock tower in the center of town at about one o?clock in the morning (please don?t tell my mom). A policeman apparently saw me and my buddy climb out the door When he asked what we were doing, my friend answered, ?We went in the door on the side of the clock tower because we thought it was a bathroom.” The cop seemed satisfied with that answer, so I didn?t have to bust out a five spot this time. Interesting fact about the cops in Mexico: They have to buy their own guns, so a lot of them have nines and M-16s.

Most of the Americans here are obnoxious toolbags from places like Texas and Florida who wear flourescent pink tank tops and t-shirts which say things like, “I?m shy, but I have a big ****.” So I spend almost all my time hanging out with the Mexicans and Mayans from work who are all extremely kool. Well, I gotta catch the bus home, but I?ll write again soon.

It was supposed to be a simple ride home. Well, not home of course, but my friend Renato’s house. My buddy Chris was driving me there after he and I had spent an hour watching high school kids on spring break act like idiots at Senor Frogs, and I was asking him about the Mexican police. “I`ve never had a problem with the police,” he said, turning into the driveway of Renato’s house, “But Renato told me that if you run into them, you just have to apy them off.” At that moment, I kid you not, police lights came on. A cop pulled up to Chris and began speaking in Spanish. When Chris and I began staring at him blankly, he realized that we didn’t speak it, so he began screaming in heavily accented English, “You are going the wrong way!” Chris answered, “But we`re in a parking lot.” The cop shot back, “Do you want to go to the police station? Do you want to go to the police station?” Chris answered, “No sir, not at all.” He quickly reached for his wallet and grabbed a $5 bill. “Here you go.” The officer grinned. “Thank you,” he said, and drove off. Justice had been served cold-Mexican style. I would write a lot more, but the computer here at my hotel is extremely frustrating to use, because a bunch of the symbols on the keyboard have been smudged off, and the punctuation marks are not where they should be. Anyway, I am currently not in Cancun, but on the island of Cozumel, and I`m rewriting the script for the sea lion show. Tonight, I will be joining some of my friends for beers and tacos. I will write again soon. Take care-Johnny